Charlcie

Cautious vs. Paranoid

2011-11-27T08:37:00.004-05:00

For about two weeks, I felt a strange nodule in my left underarm. How long had it been there? Was I just now noticing it or is it new? "Its nothing," I reasoned with myself.

Then....reading stories/studies on the internet about a link between thyroid cancer and breast cancer started to creep in my thoughts as did my aunt who battled breast cancer twice.

"Could this be an extension of a possible breast cancer in my underarm lymph nodes? I did have lymph node involvement in my thyroid cancer." If for no other reason, I would get it checked out to get it off my mind.

I call and surprisingly Dr. T is available the next day. Actually, I think given my history, they made her available the next day. When she walks in the room, I start writing this whole thing off..."please just tell me it is nothing so I can get on with my day."

Dr. T: "I'm going to send you for an ultrasound. Let's get this checked out. We'll know by the end of the day if it is anything to be concerned about, but I feel something too."

Vindicated because it was something? "Ah ha! I knew it!" But who wants to be right about THIS? Crap.

Dr, T: "If the ultrasound shows nothing of concern, here is a prescription for an antibiotic and it could be an infection/inflammation. Otherwise, we'll talk more about next steps."

Then she stands in the doorway, smiles and asks if I am OK. I assure her I am (I am not). "I've done this before, I can do it again if I have to."

I leave from her office straight to the radiology office. They were able to get me in right away. Yes, I had previously had a mammogram, but this place was new since the July test.

Nothing was seen on ultrasound. All of this worrying and ultrasound for nothing? No, this is good! Hooray, nothing. I truly am glad it is nothing.

Wait, was I being paranoid? What is too cautious vs. cautious? I just put off my thyroid cancer yearly follow up until January because I don't have enough money in our Medical Savings Account from now until Dec 31 to cover it. What if something else is growing in there? Probably nothing, right?

I just finished taking my antibiotics. The spot feels smaller but is still there.

I am a worrier by nature. How do I balance cautious vs. paranoid? It's a work in progress....

I'm a slacker

2011-11-02T19:07:00.004-04:00

So, where to start. I know, pretty weak with no blog posts since the summer. I will endeavor to do better.

I've been MIA doing so much...nothing. OK, nothing isn't exactly correct, but my life has changed considerably since Mackenzie left for college. She is 1,500 miles away, doing amazingly well as at college freshman at Oklahoma State University, my alma mater. She pledged a sorority (Kappa Alpha Theta. No it's not mine...another story), is involved on campus with the Freshman Representative Council and Orange Peel to name a few organizations she is a part of, and is keeping her grades up.

Me, I am figuring out how to parent from 1,500 miles away. Good news: she doesn't need much of it. Those of you who know Mackenzie realize she is one of the most responsible teenagers around. Bad news: I have a void in my life without seeing her daily and at least going through the motions of parenting. A Big Void.

Yes, Morgan has started high school and is busy with soccer and basketball. Yes, Christian goes to NOVA and still lives with us. That does not diminish the fact that I am missing a redheaded child that I don't get to see daily. No finishing each others sentences, no cheer competitions, no dance competitions, no trips to Panera for soup.

I'm so happy for her! She is doing well and loves OSU! I'm so sad for me...miss her every single day so much. So to my friends and family (Holly) with small children, you will have to bear with me as I fawn and make silly faces at your children and tell you how lucky you are...because you are! I am and you are...enjoy every step.

But everyday it gets better, the missing Mackenzie. I am settling into the new normal of her being at college. We text everyday, talk alot so that helps.

The other huge factor in my life I continue to wrestle with is my fatigue issues associated with my lack of thyroid and previous thyroid cancer. I am going through an angry period again...angry that I don't feel better. Angry that I can't do anything without wanting to take a nap. Angry my neck and shoulders hurt unless I do my physical therapy exercises. Angry I am tired whether I sleep 6 or 10 hours.

It makes me want to withdraw to my shell and not be social. The one activity I truly enjoy is Morgan's soccer. What a joy it is to watch her play! And keeping track of OSU football this fall. Who is #3 in the BCS? Yes, that is my Cowboys (the orange and black variety).

I'm kinda tired of dancing around the topic. Let me be angry. I'll get over it eventually. I have before. Now, I am going to go take a nap...and text Mackenzie.

Bastille Day or my Third Cancerversary? You decide...

2011-07-14T22:09:00.009-04:00

Has it been three years? Wow, it HAS been three years since I heard the words, "you have papillary carcinoma" and jumped into the cancer world with both feet. The good news about this year: 2011 was the year I finally got the all clear, the NED (no evidence of disease).

First, let's get this out of the way for you newbies...what is a cancerversary? Please see last year's cancerversary post for a good explanation. No sense boring those of you (all two of you...OK, maybe three counting my mom) who are regular readers.

Sometimes I wonder if I would be at the same place emotionally and physically if I had not had thyroid cancer. I'm tougher, not nearly as polite as I used to be about sharing my thoughts and feelings, which is a good thing for me. Cancer has forced me out of my shell in many ways. However, on the other end of the spectrum, I have been a blubbering, crying mess about Mackenzie graduating and going off to college this year...but wouldn't I have been anyway?

Physically, it seems like time stopped and cancer took over three years ago today. Even though it already had a stranglehold on my thyroid and associated lymph nodes, this is the day, July 14, 2008, it was confirmed I had thyroid cancer.

Post removal of my thyroid and associated cancerous lymph nodes, there is no denying that I have a newfound love for sleep and gained weight...more than I am comfortable with, that's for sure (who IS comfortable with gaining weight, I ask you?). But there is also a correlation between my lack of exercise and hours spent in front of the computer for my job...OK, and my recreation as well. So would I have gained the weight anyway? Uh, most likely.

And there is the ever present five inch scar on my neck that people either notice immediately and ask about (which I like, BTW...please ask and don't stare and wonder) or don't notice at all (which kinda bothers me...alot of time and recovery went into this scar!). Regardless, it's my badge of courage, my "cancer card" if you will.

Cancer is not who I am but a part of my many roles in life, and in a strange way, I embrace holding onto that survivor title. I can't go back in time and not have it. The alternative is being a patient again, which I am not fond doing again. I'll stick with survivor, keep telling my story to encourage people to "check your neck" and take care of yourself, people.

So, as I said last year, I'm not celebrating my cancerversary but observing it. OK, cancerversary, you are duly noted. Now get outta here...I've got bigger fish to fry.

In the hospital...no, not me

2011-04-23T14:32:00.006-04:00

Sunday, April 3rd, at 5:30 AM, Mackenzie woke me up. "Mom, I have this horrible pain on the side of my stomach." This began one of the stranger weeks of my life. On that day, she was admitted to the hospital. The third day she had surgery, which, thank goodness, relieved her pain. The fourth day, she was discharged.

During that time, I never left the hospital. I didn't want to miss anything that happened and didn't want to leave her alone. Even though she is 18, she is still my child and had never been in the hospital.

Having a child in the hospital is more than being the advocate for your child and watching over them. It is communicating with other family members about your child's condition, making sure things are still happening at home (Chris filled in as team manager for Morgan's soccer team, a teammate's mom got Morgan to practice that week, etc.), and trying to take care of yourself as well.

Ours was a short stay in comparison to the families who deal with more serious conditions such as childhood cancer. I worked for 3+ years at a childhood cancer organization and met many great people, several of which I still keep in touch with via social media. Some are parents of childhood cancer survivors.

To those parents I say: I don't know how you did it for as long as you did when your child was diagnosed with cancer. Wait....yes, I do. You had to. You did what you had to do to see that your child was taken care of but for a much longer period of time than I did.

If I had a hat on, I would take it off to you parents of seriously ill children.

And Mackenzie is recoveringly nicely, not yet 100% but getting there. The hospitalization/recovery took 5 days of her high school senior year and the chance to compete for the last time at the 2011 Dance Worlds competition (she will be there to cheer them on). However, when you take a step back, that's OK. And I'm just glad that she is OK/healing too. Thanks to everyone for your prayers and support.

Falling apart and getting old

2011-03-22T22:32:00.006-04:00

Did you know I am falling apart? Yes, I came to that conclusion this week. I can't sleep yet think about sleep alot, too much really, and wish I could sleep more. In fact, I might have to come back to writing this post a nap. My endocrinologist thinks I have sleep apnea issues, but that's another story.

I have had one bloodshot eye for about 10 days. That's right, not both eyes but only one....and some weird flaky skin thing under my eye. And my shoulder and neck are sore constantly. Falling apart, I tell you.

When did this happen? I very distinctly remember on my 40th birthday thinking about how I didn't "feel 40" (whatever that is...), felt good, felt young. Four months later, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, and everything seemed to change. Not kidding...everything, but most noticeably, physically I changed. I didn't feel as strong or invincible...still don't. I feel tired and old. Not Mema old (she's my 91-year-old grandma) but middle-aged old.

And recently I have been amazed that Mackenzie is 18 and graduating from high school. When did that happen? Yes, I know, time marches on and they move from toddlers to elementary school to driving to college. Toddler parents, it happens about that fast, not even kidding. I understand how it happened to her, but how did it happen that I am the parent of an almost high school graduate?

What I have done with my life I have no regrets...it is what it is, and we are where we are today because of choices and circumstances and the hand that God had in it all. I just struggle with the big picture sometimes, of where I fit into it all.

Did I make a difference or did I just screw it all up? Am I making a difference now or treading water? Does it really matter if I did a good job running the soccer parent team meeting? Probably not. Does it matter that I thoroughly enjoy the travel to and from soccer practice and games because I get to talk with Morgan? Yes. Do I spend way too much money at Panera Bread? Yes, but that's a whole other post on how excited I am that Panera is opening a store in Vienna next month...but I digress.

Most times I think I have my priorities right then something comes along to shake that. That isn't a bad thing...we all need re-evaluation from time to time of our choices, of our stand in life.

Interesting through all of this falling apart and feeling old business is that I get more comfortable in my skin everyday, which sometimes makes others uncomfortable. You know, I'm OK with that.

Is this really it?

2011-03-15T20:09:00.010-04:00

Settling into cancer survivorship is a piece of cake, right? Not so much. I have had some guilt, anger, and the feeling that I will never be the same again. Bear with me...I've got to get this out of my system.

Guilt: I didn't have the kind of cancer (thyroid) that typically kills people although mine was a fairly complicated case (stage 3 with a recurrence). Plenty of great people have cancer with horrible prognoses and don't live very long. This was not me...I'm still here, thank goodness. It's the old "why me?" situation. On a lighter note, sometimes I am guilty that I really just want to sleep and do nothing most of the time if I had my choice...when not watching my kids sports, that is.

Anger: Things have dramatically changed in my life since having thyroid cancer. It's more than a surgery, a treatment, a scar. It has changed the way I live my life and the way that it just "is." OK, and the scar is really annoying too and the looks I get from people checking it out.

Never be the same: This is somewhat tied to the anger. It's not about a scar or the time lost. I have changed. I look older and feel older...maybe that was coming anyway, but I didn't see it coming at all pre-cancer diagnosis. My need for rest and sleep is ridiculous. Having my thyroid removed was more than cancer: the thyroid regulates your metabolism (yes, weight gain) and fatigue. I am so affected by this even though I take my daily medication religiously. I'm even trying different combinations of vitamins.

I'm still working through this new normal. I can read and take in all that I want about survivorship and cancer, but no one can live my situation but me.

I have so many people, situations, things to be thankful for....I know. Feel free to lecture me about this now, completely understandable. Sometimes it's just hard to get away from how thyroid cancer has affected me. This is just the real stuff of cancer survivorship.

No thyroid cancer in 2011!

2011-01-08T10:51:00.005-05:00

Happy New Year to you! I don't say it often enough, but thanks to all of you who read my blog. I hope that in your time reading it, you have found something useful or at least entertaining!

I have a truly wonderful update to start 2011: my thyroid and neck ultrasound yesterday was clear. Nothing new, and the lymph nodes that are being watched have not grown or changed. This is great news!

Part two of the great news: my blood test for thyroid cancer recurrence has been in the normal range twice in a row, a first since I was initially diagnosed back in July 2008. My endocrinologist says the consistency of the results is more important than one good result. He considers good below 2.0. I have now had a result of 0.5 twice. Wow.

Since all of this started in July 2008, I have never truly felt "free" of thyroid cancer. As of yesterday, I do! Yes, I will continue my follow up and visit with my endocrinologist. After all, I am still one of "those patients" in his practice. However, this is the best news on the thyroid cancer front since 2008.

Feel free to celebrate a little this weekend in my honor!

Christmas Card Crisis

2010-12-27T17:11:00.004-05:00

This year, I bowed out of the photo for our Christmas card. Refused might be more accurate, but I won’t use that harsh of a tone. Others, such as Chris, might.

In November, before Thanksgiving, the scheduling fairies made it possible for the kids to have exactly one hour available one afternoon that all three could be present…as long as some driver could get Morgan to the orthodontist by 4:30.

Off they went…to the park and to the red caboose in our town. Lots of great shots to choose from, and after narrowing it down to our favorite five, in the end, Chris chose one that I had not previously considered, and I loved it. We all did…I think.

Yes, we heard from the masses that Chewie was conspicuously left out of the photo. It will not happen again. But I digress....

So the cards arrived, and I break out the list of folks we will mail to this year. Chris notes that the price was so good for 100, he went ahead and ordered that number. “Wow, OK, but we normally only send to about 60,” I said. “So let me look at the list, and let’s expand it. We’ve got the extra card so we might as well use them, right?” Good point.

So…we hunt down addresses via email and Facebook and expanded the list. Mind you, this is the piecemealed list left over from our wedding reception invitation list, which is six years old. But it still works, just a bit messy. It is on my “to do” list to organize it each year after the holidays, but it just never happens.

“Hey, where are the envelopes?” I asked Chris when I opened the box. Apparently that is why they must have been so cheap. We trek to Staples and buy envelopes. Get them home…too big. Chris orders the correct size online and vows to return the others. New box arrives with the correct size envelopes. Crisis averted.

In finally sit down to work on the list. I’m on a roll, burning through the list. Mackenzie sits down to assist, and she notes that our list is a lot longer than the cards we have. “No way,” I thought. “I mean, we ordered 100!”

Chris confirms that we ordered 100. No, wait…he checks the email confirming the order. “Sorry, I ordered 50, thought it was 100.”

Hmmm….looking at the list, clearly we had to have more cards. It was too late to order more of the exact card. Quickly Mackenzie and I created the “picture/no picture” list. I was going to buy more cards, just without our photo.

Then I figured out that I could order some photo cards from Walgreens from the comfort of my home and pick them up at the local store the same day! Wow, that’s cool. Yet another crisis in our Christmas card saga averted.

As I am sitting in my car at soccer practice (yes, they were freezing!), I get a call from another soccer mom. I mention that I am doing my Christmas cards while the girls practice, and she says, “Nope, I don’t do Christmas cards. Just don’t have the time.”

Wait, I don’t have the time either. I mean, I work a full-time job, have three busy teenagers, manage my daughter’s soccer team, and try to run a house without a maid or a cook (wait, actually, that would be me). Why did I go through all of this?! My friend is right: I have no time for this!

Because I love Christmas cards. Actually, it just might be my favorite part of Christmas. I love putting together the list of people who get our card (over 80 this year) and signing each one (it was a big deal to allow Mackenzie to help me this year!), but more than anything, I love receiving cards.

Please, send me what you might think is your too-long Christmas letter. I love to hear it all! Cruise with the family? Son’s graduation? Summer camps? Tell me about it.

And the photos? Opt for a family photo over a card any day. Or if you prefer, yes, please drop in the kids’ latest school photos. Those are great too!

I estimated to Chris yesterday that I think our ratio of sent to received cards was about 2:1. That’s not why I send to receive…but maybe? I just want to hear about your life, see your photos, catch up with your comings and goings.

So…if you don’t send any other cards next year, please send me one! And through whatever Christmas card crisis I face, I will send you a card as long as I have your address.

Tomorrow: Another Visit to Dr.Pun

2010-12-19T08:50:00.004-05:00

OK, no jokes about me actually writing two blog posts in the space of three weeks. :)

Tomorrow, I make the trip back to see Dr. Pun, my favorite endocrinologist. Those of you who have had a cancer diagnosis and are a head case such as myself know what that means for today: the "what ifs" start.

Although, I pretty much had the "what ifs" confirmed at my last appointment in October: Dr. Pun said that he is pretty sure "something" (i.e. thyroid cancer again) is going on there based on the bloodwork, and we just get to wait until something shows up on a scan of some form so we know what we are dealing with. Strangely, I was OK with that as I know that as long as I am one of "those patients" in his practice that he keeps an eye on (and there is that whole trust factor too...), I am fine. Well, as fine as I can be, knowing what a worry wart I am (thanks, Mema, for passing the torch to me in the worry department!).

How much does it stink to know something bad is probably growing in your body, and it has to show up before you can do anything about it?

So I suspect tomorrow I will get the "permission slip" to get an ultrasound and see if anything can be seen. I have already decided I am not going to make the appointment until after January 1.

OK, it sounds really noble or whatever of me to say "I will wait until after the holidays" but the reality is that I have used up all our medical saving account dollars for 2010 and need to wait until 2011.

But...I would have waited anyway. Nah, I would have done it right away otherwise. :) We all know me, right?

Three months

2010-12-02T22:32:00.002-05:00

Yes, it has been almost three months since my last post. This fall, I've been somewhere inbetween busy, hiding and being overwhelmed by life in general.

I have been hiding from cancer and talking about anything too real. Hmmm...these two things can be intertwined or separated, you take your pick. Either way, it is not healthy for me. I'm working on it....

Overwhelmed by life...like Ferris Bueller says, and I have quoted before on this blog, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't watch out, you could miss it." I've been in the "pretty fast" part of it lately, watching Mackenzie and Christian's senior year fly by. Kinda sad for me, but I'm enjoying it too, and I'm excited for them.

Mackenzie has been accepted to all three schools she has applied to and offered significant scholarships to two of them. All of them are out of state...she is ready to go, and I'm so proud she is confident enough in herself to go. I'm just proud of her period.

Morgan is a shining star - in my life, in our house, on the soccer field, in the classroom, when she smiles. Really, pretty much all the time.

The cancer update, you ask? No real update. Other than my endocrinologist said in October that he's pretty certain something is "going on" in there, but we have to wait until it is big enough to show up on a test. Or just wait until we have some test, any test, that shows something to correlate the inconsistently abnormal blood work. So we wait...or, rather, I wait.

Or I don't wait, I keep pushing on with my life. But some days, I am consumed with the thyroid cancer - is it back? When will it come back? Will it be worse this time? Or just like the last time?

Hey, but other days, I don't think about it for all...for maybe days in a row.

One thing I feel fairly confident about: I am most certainly a crazy person.

That is all. I'm alive, people. Just trying to take it one day at a time.

Bringing Sexy Out of the Thyloset: A Dear Thyroid Blog Tour

2010-09-07T09:01:00.014-04:00

Since I have been diagnosed with thyroid cancer in July 2008, I connected with an awesome community of folks at “Dear Thyroid”. As part of Thyroid Cancer Awareness Month, the good folks there have put together a Blog Tour highlighting those of us who have the magic combination of thyroid cancer and a blog about it. Thanks for the opportunity, Dear Thyroid!

The questions Dear Thyroid has asked and my answers below:

What kind of thyroid cancer were you diagnosed with? How many years have you been a survivor?
Papillary carcinoma with positive lymph nodes diagnosed July 2008 with surgery and radioactive treatment. Recurrence January 2009 with surgery only.
September is thyroid cancer awareness month. What does that mean to you? Why do you think awareness is important? How do you spread awareness?

For me, it means share my story so I can raise awareness about thyroid cancer. I like for people to notice the scar on my neck and ask about it. I want to tell folks about how I had no idea I had any sort of thyroid issues (I barely know what a thyroid was!) until my physician during a regular physical examination said, “Hey, what’s this?” to the lumps on my neck. Check your neck, folks!

Many thyroid cancer patients have been told, “If you have to get cancer, thyroid cancer is the one to get.” What do you think of that statement? When you’re told this, how do you respond?

Ah, this has been one of my pet peeves since being diagnosed, that thyroid cancer is the best cancer to have. No cancer is good cancer. Thyroid cancer is not easy by any means.

This isn’t a contest of who has a “worse” cancer diagnosis. We are a community of not only thyroid cancer survivors but cancer survivors. Everyone’s experience is unique, and we should respect that.

Dear Thyroid is constantly working to dispel the myth that thyroid cancer is the good cancer or the easy cancer. What other myth would you like to dispel regarding thyroid cancer?

The biggest myth that I have had to overcome is that they take out your thyroid and the cancer, have treatment, take the replacement medication, and you are done. It is frustrating as I continue to struggle with fatigue and weight gain. My levoxyl dose has never been right, and we continue to work on this. In addition, I have actually not been quite done with the cancer diagnosis as I am still battling abnormal, conflicting tests. (More blood work and an ultrasound in the next month)

What one thing would you tell the world about thyroid cancer?

Thyroid cancer is one of the few cancer diagnoses that the incidence continues to go up and not down. Check your neck!

What advice would you give to a newly diagnosed thyroid cancer patient?

Connect with others diagnosed with thyroid cancer via Twitter and Facebook. Gather information. Question your physicians. Change doctors if you aren’t satisfied with your treatment. Be your own advocate.

Do you have a funny thyroid cancer-related story you are willing to share?

When we sat down with our three kids to tell them about my cancer diagnosis, the older two (both teenagers) thought we were going to tell them that we were going to have a baby. The doctor had left a message about an ultrasound. Looking back, it is a funny story, and that is how I chose to deal with it, using humor. Here’s a link to a story about my cancer journey and humor in a story from Cure Magazine Fall 2009: http://www.curetoday.com/index.cfm/fuseaction/article.show/id/2/article_id/1277

Thanks for including me in the Blog Tour, Dear Thyroid! Now everyone....go check your neck if you haven't already. :)

About Dear Thyroid:

Dear Thyroid is a thyroid support community and literary brand. Our goal is to connect patients with each other, to create awareness for thyroid diseases and cancers, and to give all thyroid patients a voice. We come together as a united front to invoke change on behalf of thyroid patients worldwide. Thyroid patients are invited to submit letters to their thyroids, thyroid rants and raves, and other literary creations. Help us to create awareness for thyroid diseases and cancers by wearing your disease on your sleeve and by requesting one of our free awareness bands. Visit DearThyroid.org to learn more!

September is Thyroid Cancer Awareness Month

2010-09-01T21:50:00.007-04:00

September is Thyroid Cancer Awareness Month, a cause close to my heart as I was diagnosed with papillary carcinoma/thyroid cancer in July 2008. Here's the facts about thyroid cancer from the good folks at http://www.thyca.org/:

Thyroid cancer is one of the few cancers continuing to increase in incidence, with an anticipated record of about 44,670 people newly diagnosed in the United States this year and more than 200,000 people expected to be newly diagnosed worldwide. It’s also a cancer that affects people of all ages, from young children to seniors.

The message for Thyroid Cancer Awareness Month is “Find It Early.” When detected early, most thyroid cancers are treatable. Early detection is a key to improving outcomes. Patient and caregiver education is also important, because thyroid cancer requires lifelong monitoring as recurrences can occur even decades after the diagnosis and initial treatment.

Bottom line: check your neck. Have your physician check your neck. Do it sooner rather than later.

Rest in Peace Esther Earl

2010-08-25T22:15:00.011-04:00

Today on Twitter, I ran across the story of a 16-year-old girl who had been fighting cancer who died this morning. Her name was Esther Earl.

I felt compelled to read her story. What a surprise to find that she died of thyroid cancer. My first thought was that it was probably anaplastic thyroid cancer, which is the most deadly and swift-moving form of thyroid cancer. Once again, I was surprised to find that she had the same type of thyroid cancer that I had: papillary carcinoma. Hers had spread to her lungs early. She tried experimental chemotherapy, to no avail.

I didn't know her...she seemed like a bright light in the world that has now gone to Heaven. Her story has lingered with me all day. May she rest in peace. And may we all hug our children and appreciate our own life.

Tribute to Esther Earl>

More about Esther Earl - Her CaringBridge page>

My Second Cancerversary

2010-07-13T21:13:00.016-04:00

First, what is a cancerversary? Some say it is the day you were diagnosed. Some say it is the day you get the "all clear" from cancer. I subscribe to the "day you were diagnosed" theory to mark my cancerversary, especially since I'm still not "all clear"...but that's another story.

Note I didn't say "celebrate" my cancerversary. Of course, I don't want to celebrate having cancer. However, thyroid cancer changed my life so I have to take note of it.

It was good to read my blog post marking my one-year cancerversary in 2009, reminding me of the journey. I am also feeling guilty for feeling different, a bit darker, even jaded, about it all.

I'm a survivor now, right? Well, not really. Remember, I'm one "those patients" in my endocrinologist's practice that he's got to keep a close eye on.

Even if it comes back again, I've had the surgery (times two). I've had the treatment. I can do it again, right? Yes, but I don't want to. End of it. Sick of it. It was an emotional and physical recovery I don't want to experience again.

"You should feel happy. It's over!" OK, first, please don't tell me how to feel. Literally no one has lived my life and walked in my shoes. Second, it doesn't feel over. Thyroid cancer keeps hanging around me.

I don't have a "more serious" cancer. This is true...or is it? What's a more serious cancer? Are we going to have a "cancer-off" to determine whose cancer is worse or better?

I'm tired of feeling guilty about still thinking about it. I'm tired of feeling guilty because I don't think about it. I'm tired of feeling guilty for wanting to blow off my doctors' appointment and scans and just ignore it for a while. I'm tired of putting on a happy face about it when I don't feel happy about it. I'm happy about other things in my life but not thyroid cancer.

Several of you who have read my blog have contacted me or commented to say that my blog has helped you with your own fight with thyroid cancer. I feel guilty this post may not be so helpful to most.

But one thing I have tried to be is honest. Maybe someone reading this feels similar to me, and that will make it useful to someone...so they don't feel so alone, and selfishly, so I don't have to feel guilty about this too.

And I think it is OK to be angry at cancer at times. Get it out. Don't hold it in...but then move on. I'm planning on moving on sometime soon, just not sure when, but I know it will pass. I have too much hope, too many joyful things in my life.

So it's my 2nd cancerversary. I'm OK with it. Just let me be a little angry at the cancer. I'll be fine...really.

I'll just skip May, thank you

2010-06-04T22:30:00.012-04:00

I've had what seems like a hundred blog posts rolling around in my head during the last month and somehow managed not to post a single thing in May. Nada...not a photo or sentence. Geez, that's pathetic. Will endeavor to do better.

I have connected with so many young adult cancer patients/survivors in the past month: a new friend who survived uterine cancer at 23, 36-year-old newly diagnosed thyroid cancer patient, another friend who survived testicular cancer at 28.

While three of us are talking about being a cancer survivor at a recent dinner, a friend of my husband whom he has recently reconnected with after 20 years shares his wife (late 30s) also survived stage 3 breast cancer.

Do we just talk about cancer more now or does it seem like there is more cancer being diagnosed now? Maybe better testing/scans? Also I wonder if I am just more aware of it since I was diagnosed almost two years ago.

I have had two people ask me recently if I'm in remission. I hate saying no...but I'm also not actively being treated. Feels like a trick question. There's not a short answer. It's complicated.

I don't mind talking about it, I'm just stumped by this question more and more. How about "my bloodwork is abnormal but there is nothing significant found on any scan." or "My doctor is monitoring me closely because...." or "Kinda..."

Often I feel pretty good. Other days, when I get a sharp pain in my neck or get a glimpse of the scar on my neck in the mirror, I'd rather just go crawl in my bed and take a nap. But then I remember there is a dance/school performance or soccer practice or groceries to buy, and I keep going. And that's good, just what I need to do.

I’m one of “those people”...and go, go Gayla!

2010-04-29T21:43:00.008-04:00

Today was another interesting visit with Dr. Pun, my endocrincologist. Apparently, I’m one of “those people” in his practice, as he says, the ones he has to monitor very closely for recurrence of thyroid cancer because the tests either disagree or won't move into a "normal" range. He says there are only about 10 of us in his practice.

After many tests and scans this spring, he’s not comfortable with my status in terms of everything being “all clear.” Blood tests clearly show something is not right yet the scans and tests don’t point to any changes. There’s something concerning in my neck lymph nodes. However, it is not an amazingly unusual size and has not changed over the past year much at all.

So I’ll have more blood drawn, more doctors’ appointments, more scans in the coming months. And continue to be one of “those people” in Dr. Pun’s practice, knowing that thyroid cancer will not define me but will continue to be a part of me, at least for a while.

Somehow, I’m a cancer fighter and survivor at the same time. I’ll accept that for now.

On a really great note, I'm celebrating this weekend that my high school friend Gayla is NOT one of "those people" with cancer anymore. She is a Hodgkins Lymphoma cancer survivor and participating in a big way in the Relay for Life in Guthrie, OK. Congratuations Gayla! You are AWESOME! Please support her if you can!

Three great non-cancer things!

2010-03-26T22:42:00.003-04:00

Mackenzie, this is for you...three great non-cancer things for the week of March 22. We'll go by birth order:

After working hard during her campaign, Mackenzie was elected to the JMHS Student Government Executive Board for her senior year.
Christian enrolled in JMHS as of Tuesday. He arrived back in Virginia just in time to submit his application for a great photography program for his senior year. We are so glad he is back living with us!
Morgan was named one of the two captains on her soccer team for the spring season.

Through successes and failures, we are truly blessed with great kids.

It's all I've got

2010-03-26T22:25:00.004-04:00

I received my PET scan results earlier this week. I sat on the results a few days as I needed to digest what it really meant for me, not just what the doctor says.

There are no new growth and no changes to the questionable areas seen on the left side of my neck. It hasn't "gone away" on the left side, something strange seems to be there on that left side, but it hasn't changed. In thyroid cancer talk, that's good.

What could have happened? Strange left area could have grown and/or new suspicious areas were found. This didn't happen so that's really great news. Is it? Well, it's all I've got for now. I'll take it.

Some of you know that I can be, um, "wound pretty tight" at times. Sometimes I think this unresolved thyroid cancer business is my personal challenge from God to learn patience...and understanding...and patience. And to leave more things to Him, not to worry. This not worrying business is not easy for me.

Next steps: ultrasound in a few months to keep an eye on it....and patience.

Getting the rug pulled out from under me

2010-03-05T23:11:00.013-05:00

On Monday, day two of my non-leap year birthday, I posted the following on my facebook page:

Day 2 of my "un"/"fake" birthday and so many more b-day wishes...thanks everyone! And the great news of the day: I got the results today of my thyroid cancer scan, and it was clear! Lovin' the cancer survivor thing much better than the cancer patient gig. :)

I received lots of supportive comments and "likes" on this Facebook status. Man, I liked this status!

Apparently I "jumped the gun" a bit in the good news about my test results. The whole body scan was, in fact, clear. However, my blood work is elevated/abnormal/stinks.

I spoke with Dr. Pun on the phone mid-week regarding this strange thing: that the whole body scan is clear yet the blood work, thyroglobulin, has been and continues to be elevated. I found a medical journal article online that says the blood test is the more reliable of the two, and that it is possible that these two tests could have differing results for a very small percentage of patients. Dr. Pun agreed and confirmed this.

My concern: my recurrence in winter 2008 was first indicated by an elevated thyroglobulin level.

Next step: PET scan on Friday, March 19. I have had this test previously in April 2009. Based on those results, a few things could happen:

wait six months and do another blood test to see if it elevates more if there is no change on the left side from the April 2009 PET scan.
another radioactive iodine treatment similar to what I had done in September 2008 after the first surgery, whether it changes or not.
if it has grown, biopsy/possibly surgery and/or radioactive iodine treatment.

The PET scan is that fun test where I can't have any sugar, carbohydrates, or caffeine for 24 hours before. The tech said really only proteins, green vegetables, and water. Fun! They give me an IV with some sort of dye that morning then have the scan.

Cases of recurring thyroid cancer (more than one recurrence, multiple surgeries and treatments, could almost call it chronic) happen, although by far not the usual. Is this my new normal with thyroid cancer? I don't know. All I really know is that nothing about my thyroid cancer diagnosis has been normal, now has it?

I'm doing fine with this news, just more aggravated than anything. Luckily I've been so busy this week to distract me from really contemplating the "what ifs." Bottom line: I've done it all before, from the PET scan to the surgeries. No surprises there at least.

So just kidding....I'm not quite done with this thyroid cancer stuff yet. Hopefully soon.

Funny People....and Cancer

2010-02-16T20:45:00.012-05:00

I watched the movie "Funny People" last week during the epic Northern Virginia/Washington DC snowstorm. We had LOTS of time on our hands. Of course, I should have finished up all of those lingering projects, but I didn't. Mainly just watched movies and enjoyed the family.

!!MOVIE SPOILER ALERT!!

Funny People was, well, kinda funny, but I was blindsided by Adam Sandler's charater who was diagnosed with cancer. Specifically, Acute Myeloid Leukemia (AML). Two things "got me" about the portrayal of his cancer:

8% chance of surviving on experiment drugs...and it worked.

Sandler's character talked to his doctor about test results in one of the early scenes, and I believe he said AML, stage 4. Definitely said he had an 8% chance of survival but only if he tried this experimental drug regimen (I'm thinking this is a clinical trial).

At this point, he starts getting his affairs in order, take a mentor under his wings (Seth Rogen), and starts taking the experimental drugs. They do show him throwing up in one scene, but otherwise, he's on a comedy tour. Was surprised by that but also was thinking, "He's doing what he wants with his last days. Good for him."

He also reconnects with family and an ex-fiance, a big part of the story. I at least won't divulge THAT here.

Then about 3/4 of the way through the movie, his doctor calls him in to say the treatment is working. No sign of the cancer. Secretly, and now publicly, I'm frustrated by this.

I know this happens, and thank goodness it happens in real life, but I wanted this movie to show the struggles of a young person with cancer dealing with his own mortality IN THE FACE not dodging the bullet. I feel cynical and weird about this...feel free to show me the other side of thie coin on this, but I wanted this movie to go down a different path.

Side note/rant: I believe every cancer diagnosis is unique to that individual. An acquaintance of mine was diagnosed with thyroid cancer about a year before I was. Shortly after my treatment, we informally discussed our treatment, etc. She had a relatively straightforward and easy surgery. Mine was complicated, and I was in the hospital four days. She struggled with the radioactive treatment, and I didn't at all. All that said, we are as unique as our diagnoses and reactions.

I'm going to survive this? Wow, now what?

After Sandler's character is told he is going to live, or at least they were realistic and said that he's in remission for now, he struggles with the "wow, I'm going to make it" factor. Does he go this route:

OK, back to normal. Wait....it can't ever really go back to normal after this crap I've been through, but I'm going to try.

OR....will I go the route of righting the wrongs. Changing everything.

OR....what the heck do I do now? I'll just do nothing.

OR...what am I going to do if it comes back? will it come back?

I feel like I've hit all of those somewhere in the last 18 months and have not settled on one but a blending of all three. I have been a bit frustrated with people around me that say, "You haven't had cancer in a year. So glad you are done with it!" Yep, so glad that I haven't had cancer in a year but...the experience, the lessons, the pain - both emotional and physical, and the after effects, which can be different, just like that diagnosis is different, it all changes you a bit. I think mostly for the better, but there is some bad mixed in there.

Be patient with us cancer survivors, friends. Even after we are in remission or live or look better, there are often still some battles to be fought. And some good days as well where we don't even think about it anymore.

And rent Funny People. Cancer or not, it's, well, funny.

Snow, snow, and more snow and no thyroid cancer testing...yet

2010-02-10T09:46:00.008-05:00

Folks, I can't even tell you the amount of snow that we have here in Northern Virginia...BEFORE the blizzard that hit last night. Picture to the left was before the the latest round of winter weather hit. Now, probably eight inches more have fallen since 5:30 PM lastnight plus a 40 mph wind. And it's still snowing.

Crazy is all I can say. I'm grateful that we have power as many in the DC Metro do not...thousands, in fact.

As a result, my thyroid cancer testing has been rescheduled for the last week of February. I'm fine with that. All of us here need to focus on staying warm and safe.

Calm before the storm...in more ways than one

2010-01-31T18:18:00.009-05:00

I've been somewhat pleased with January 2010...cruising along, doing my own thing, staying on pace with life in general. Keeping things fairly in order. Haven't quite tackled all of those resolutions with the vim and vigor I had planned but have had good intentions and made headway in general.

But I feel it coming...I have several things creeping up. First on the docket, my round of thyroid cancer follow-up shots and scans the week of February 8th. I'm not freaking out about it like I used to, especially since I'm keeping with my New Year's resolution of no more thyroid cancer in 2010. But it's a process - physically, emotionally, logistically. It's a pain in my routine. But you know, if that's all I've got to contend with in regards to thyroid cancer, I'll take it.

So here's the schedule:

Feb. 8 - thyrogen shot (preps me for the scan)
Feb. 9 - thyrogen shot
Feb. 10 - small dose of radioactive material given (no glowing green will occur...I think!)
Feb. 11 - whole body scan
Feb.12 - blood work

What is the other "storm" that is approaching? Spring...every parent with a school-age child knows what spring normally brings: crazy schedules. Soccer, dance, field trips to Hershey Park, awards ceremonies, choosing classes for the next year (middle/hs students), school projects that should have been worked on all year that are done in a weekend, and standardized tests just to name a few.

With Mackenzie about to choose her classes for her senior year of high school and making college visits lately, I'm a little melancholy about spring. Yes, it's a storm and it's crazy and drives us parents nuts....but we wouldn't have it any other way, right? I love that my kids are active and engaged in life and in school, and that I am along for the ride.

I don't have many of these chaotic springs left with the kids thanks to them growing up. Who said they could grow up anyway? I'm going to enjoy every minute...oh, and also complain, but you can ignore that part or better yet, remind me what I said here about "enjoying every minute".

Hoarders and Intervention...why so fascinated?

2010-01-18T15:24:00.016-05:00

I'm asking a question today to which I have no answer: Why are we, as a society, so fascinated with shows like "Hoarders" and "Intervention"? Specifically, why am I so fascinated by these two shows?

I "DVR" (yes, it does seem to be a verb these days) both of these shows. I started watching Intervention a few years ago and then quit recording it because....I felt guilty? Had thyroid cancer and was dealing with that? It was too voyeuristic?

Let me back up a second and give you a quick synopsis of each show from the A&E website:

Each 60-minute episode of Hoarders is a fascinating look inside the lives of two different people whose inability to part with their belongings is so out of control that they are on the verge of a personal crisis.

Intervention™ is a powerful and gripping television series in which people confront their darkest demons and seek a route to redemption. The Intervention Television series profiles people whose dependencies on drugs and alcohol or other compulsive behavior has brought them to a point of personal crisis and estranged them from their friends and loved ones.

Chris watched the first episode of Hoarders with me a few months ago. After 10 minutes of watching it, he jokingly said to me, "We are going to have to turn off this show if you continue with this." I realized at that moment I was standing up with my mouth open, both hands on each side of my face in astonishment.

That is just one of the many emotions I feel as I watch these shows. Other include:

Why?

How on earth?

What a shame....

My life seems very simple and uncomplicated...

How can she have her kids taken away and not clean that place/quit drinking/quit drugs, etc.?

I feel so bad for the families affected as well as the individual themselves, who often have had some traumatic event that went unaddressed in their life that brought them to this point. I wonder how easily I could have found myself in a similar position post-divorce, post-cancer, etc. I think many of us could point to a life-changing event where we chose to overcome and push through where others went down a more difficult road and succombed to an addiction of some form.

I'm not saying we are better than those who went down another path. Rather, we are fortunate, blessed, lucky, whatever you want to call it, that we didn't.

At the end of each of these shows, there is closure...Two months later, Jan is still in treatment, doing well, and has discovered her artistic side. Mary's house is still clean. In fact, her daughter was able to host her first ever slumber party.

I feel triumphant for each of them at this point....they did it! Because by about 15 minutes into each of these hour-long shows, you think there is absolutely no hope. Whew! Good for them.

But then I realize too that just because the show is over doesn't mean their situation is over. They must be diligent in their follow up. Their support system must not waiver.

So...why do I watch? I'm not sure, but I always feel like I've dealt with some personal demon by the end of each episode. Almost exhausted. And...I'm more thankful.

Back to Dr. Pun: No Thyroid Cancer in 2010!

2010-01-11T18:34:00.010-05:00

Last week I made my way back to Dr. Pun's, my endocrinologist, for my somewhat quarterly blood draw (checking thyroid levels in general) and to talk about recurrence monitoring. I told him what I had decided on New Year's Eve, that I was going to speak positively and not have thyroid cancer again in 2010. I had it in 2008 and 2009....I WON'T be dealing with it in 2010.

He liked this plan needless to say! And then told me a really bad joke, thus, the name I have given him, Dr. Pun. :)

The other topic of discussion: it's almost time again for shots and scans. Two days of shots, one day to take the low dose of radioactivity, one day for the scan and the last day, blood work: a full week of fun! The last time I did this "week of fun" was April 2009, and everything came back relatively clean. It was the first time since all of this cancer business had started that I had any cancer test, scan, etc. come back with any sort of good news.

My "fun week" isn't scheduled yet, but it will be sometime in the next six weeks. The more I speak positive, the more I believe the tests will continue to be clean.

Bring it on, thyroid cancer! I am most definitely ready this time.

Letting go of 2009

2009-12-31T19:55:00.015-05:00

Wow, how can that be, the last day of the decade? On Twitter today, there was this trending topic "#10yearsago" that really got me to thinking....Here was my tweet about that:

#10yearsago my kids were in preschool & elementary school. Now....teenagers! Oh yeah, and I didn't have cancer then either. That came along in 2008.

However, my life has evolved so much more than that in the last 10 years. Biggest events in my small world: Great decision to marry Chris in 2004, Pepa passed away in 2005, and thyroid cancer in 2008/2009. The girls have grown into amazing kids....plus, added Christian by marrying Chris. And so much more that I'm sure I will think immediately after posting this, "Dang! I forgot about __________!"

I'm really looking forward to this new year....a new beginning, a new decade. I've got some personal goals/resolutions to tackle that I'm actually pretty psyched about. Plus, I am thrilled to see the kids grow into adults....hmmm, that didn't sound so good. I'm excited to see them become their adult selves NOT to get them out of the house!

And...I think I'm ready to move on from my thyroid cancer diagnosis. I'm going to let go of it as I let go of 2009. I haven't been ready to yet strangely...there's been alot of "what if?" that I believe I have held onto WAY too long. It's been a hard road, and I've been in a bit of a funk about it for a while. It's something I'll always be aware of as I take my thyroid replacement pill everyday and look at that scar on my neck. I will still be a part of and support the thyroid community as frankly, I hope to help some folks as others have helped me. It's just time for me mentally to move on and accept this new me. And like this new me, thyroid cancer survivor and all.

So....here's to 2010! Let's not sit back and let it happen. Let's make it happen. :)

What is it about Christmas cards?

2009-12-11T17:22:00.014-05:00

For some the holiday season begins when they put up the Christmas tree. For others, it might be the shopping the day after Thanksgiving. For me, it is when we receive our first Christmas card, which this year is today (thanks, Beneventis!).

Yes, we've been buying/shipping/receiving presents already, but something about the Christmas spirit and season for me starts with a Christmas card. Whoever sends me/us the card has chosen a card design that they like, added us to their list, and decided to use one of their increasingly valuable postage stamps to send the card. That means something in my book!

And something about getting the cards via "snail mail". Granted, I'll send an e-card from time to time, but I love getting the cards in the mail as how often do we really get letters or cards from anyone these days? If you are friends with someone on Facebook, you don't even have to remember someone's birthday AND can wish them a happy birthday online! Now, I'm not opposed to this and, frankly, some of you have received birthday greetings from me via this method. However, I'm just sayin', in this technology age, it is refreshing to receive a Christmas card in the mail.

The cards with photos...bonus! I love seeing how the kids have grown and friends seem older (you know, since I seem to be getting older too!). Cards that have the Christmas letters, those are great too. I find it surprising when every Christmas season I hear someone complaining about the Christmas card letter that many insert in their cards: "What makes you think we want to hear about your trip to Hawaii?". I want to hear about that trip to Hawaii, promotion, new grandbaby, move to (fill in the blank)!

So let me know if you need my address to send me a Christmas card....or if you want one from me, send me your snail mail address! :)

Whirlwind....

2009-12-03T22:07:00.012-05:00

Where does the time go? November was a blur. I work at a veterans organization so the beginning of November was crazy in terms of my job...lots of great work to be done surrounding Veterans Day.

Just days after that, I took off for Austin, Texas, and the Convio Summit. Convio is a content management system used by non-profits (remember...I'm a website/social media geek?), and they have a conference (or summit as they call it) each year talking about product development, improved usage, etc. It was a good chunk of time for me to focus on professional growth and fresh ideas/approaches for the website/organization for which I work.

From Austin I flew to OKC to my parents' house for the Thanksgiving holiday. It was nice to have three days with my parents and just me. I looked at mom at one point and said, "This is the first time we've seen each other in 18 months that is not related to me having cancer!", which frankly was great! Chris and girls arrived on Sunday then the real whirlwind began:

Monday: Official college visit for Mackenzie to Oklahoma State University, my alma mater...so fun!
Tuesday: Open house for Oklahoma friends from high school, college, and life in general...again, so fun! Family from Texas starts to roll in...specifically the Holybees. :)
Wednesday: More family rolls in including my 89-year-old Mema who is doing great...more fun!
Thursday: Thanksgiving...a day of thanks and food and family. Enough said.
Friday: Most family leaves, a bit of shopping, and more Mexican food.
Saturday: Back to Virginia

NOTE: Not previously mentioned in this post, but part of the deal for us when we go to Oklahoma to visit, is for Chris to have Mexican food as much as possible. It's just better Mexican food there, people. And free tortillas before any meal at all of these delicious restaurants...doesn't happen in Virginia like that!

So that's the logistics of the trip....the emotional? Exhausted, thrilled, meloncholy, homesick (for VA and also OK), overwhelmed, happy, anxious....then back to exhausted.

You can go home again...but it's always different. Landmarks change, people change, I changed. Some of this for the better and some not.

I was glad to talk about my thyroid cancer or lack thereof with anyone who would listen. I would rather people ask me about it than people completely avoid it, which is what three family members did. I wasn't offended but...shocked? Sad? Did I look that good (ha!) that they didn't even remember it? Did they not know what to say? Just ask me how I feel, I'll show you the scar on my neck, as I'm very proud of it, tell you I'm doing well, no recurrence, and we'll move on. Anyway...still processing that.

Since returning back home to Virginia, I am more reflective of the things I should do more (like call my Mema) and more aware of the things I am appreciative of (my own bed, my dog). And for my life...it's mine. 41 years of ups and downs, challenges and wins, situations that I thought I could never overcome and did. It's not over, it's not perfect, but it's my life...

Veterans Day: November 11, 2009

2009-11-10T21:29:00.009-05:00

Today as I drove home from a Veterans Day program at a local elementary school, I noticed something great about Vienna: the streets are lined with flags for Veterans Day. It made me proud!

Tomorrow is Veterans Day. When you work for a veterans organization as I do, it's a big deal, frankly, as it should be for all of us! I work at a great place with a great mission so I'm going to share a bit of my work, which wasn't hardly work at all, from today.

I had the opportunity to attend a Veterans Day program today and talk with kids about it. They attend a school where they place alot of emphasis on Veterans Day education, and as I listened and participated in the program, I understood: the principal is a veteran herself, and the coordinating teach is a veteran of 27 years.

I've added a link below so you can check them out. There are individual videos as well so don't miss those...

Thanks for supporting our veterans!

http://www.pva.org/site/PageServer?pagename=support_Veterans_Day_PatrickHenryES

PS: Awesome flag photo top left courtesy of Chris Steuble!

I don't like Halloween, but I'm still cancer free!

2009-10-31T15:38:00.009-04:00

Wow, you know it's been a while since I have blogged when my kids' friends start asking when I'm going to add a blog post. I love that! OK, you've inspired me to write, Ryan and David....

So....I don't like Halloween. I don't like to be scared, don't like haunted houses, don't like horror films, don't like blood dripping from stuff or zombies or any of that stuff. When the girls were little, they dressed up as cute things like lions or cowgirls or princesses, not zombies or witches or anything like that. And really, the massive amounts of candy....one can only eat so much before vomiting occurs.

That brings us to today, which I am tolerating...going to grin and bear it. The best thing about today is that at 8 PM, my Oklahoma State Cowboys are playing the Texas Longhorns in football on national TV. Hoping for a Cowboy victory in Stillwater today. At least there's that. :)

And now for the awkward segue into cancer....

I'm almost embarassed I didn't share this on Wednesday. OK, I'll say it...I am embarassed I haven't blogged about this before now, but the ultrasound I had been worried about for weeks was on Wednesday. I had been losing sleep over this, lacked focus overall, and had already started planning my next biopsy and surgery. I prepared myself for the worst as my gut really did tell me that there was more cancer to deal with.

There wasn't any cancer to be found. None. Nada. Zip. Zilch. No cancer in my lymph nodes, thyroid bed, neck, salivary glands. Wow, that's amazing! The fog lifted, and I have felt relieved ever since! After several ultrasounds in a row with bad cancer news in the past 15 months, this is now two in a row with no cancer. The next cancer follow up: January/February 2010 when I have thyrogen shots, whole body scan, etc.

Thanks to all who knew I was struggling and prayed for me. I know it helps... :)

On my soapbox about "the best cancer to have"

2009-10-08T20:17:00.008-04:00

Those of you who follow me on Twitter know I was on my soapbox this morning after reading yet another article about the dreaded subject of how thyroid cancer is "the best cancer to have." Think about that...the best cancer? Why would someone say that?

In an attempt to make you feel better about having thyroid cancer, some health care profesionals try to convince those of us who have or have had thyroid cancer that it is "the best cancer to have" because it has a high survival rate.

An aside here, that high survival rate applies to papillary carcinoma, one of the three types of thyroid cancer out there. Survival rates are lower for medullary carcinoma and anaplastic carcinoma, the other two types of thyroid cancer.

Back on topic...OK, so tell us that papillary carcinoma has a high survival rate. Truly, that is good news. But because of this "best cancer to have" statement, and the fact that I was told my thyroidectomy would most likely be just an easy, overnight stay for me, you can imagine my shock post-surgery when I felt like my head was going to fall off, I couldn't eat real food for 7-10 days, and two of the four lymph nodes the surgeon took out of my neck were the size of small plums leaving me with some amazing pain and an extra long scar on my neck (which I now love...see old posts).

Then trying to figure out thyroid medication that I will take the rest of my life that sometimes makes me so tired I want to sleep on the floor of my office (never done this BTW) and has assisted me in gaining 20 lbs post-cancer.

And then there is the ever popular recurrence that approximately 30% of us with thyroid cancer get to deal with, which I did in January 2009.

So PLEASE....tell us the survival rates for papillary carcinoma are good, but don't tell us that it is "the best cancer to have." One of my favorite Tweeters and fellow cancer survivor said to me today in response to my Twitter soapbox rant about this: "I always reply: "then you go on & get it. let me know how awesome it is."

Neither she or I wish cancer on anyone. That's not the point. We know you have good intentions. The line about "the best cancer to have" is just not helpful....that is all.

Another twitter friend said we should endeavor to educate others that this is not a helpful statement. I hope by sharing here folks will understand and choose to say something else. Personally, I would rather hear "Wow, that stinks! You know, you're tough and can do this" than "the best cancer" line.

What are some things you could say besides thyroid cancer is "the best cancer to have"? Please comment...let's talk about this!

Getting off my soapbox now...again. :)

Recurrence on the Metro

2009-09-24T21:32:00.004-04:00

This morning while riding on the Orange Line of the Metro, I found myself thinking about my upcoming visit to the endocrinologist next week and subsequent ultrasound of my neck. Then I started jumping to conclusions.

Dr. Pun said at my upcoming October visit, he would give me an order to get an ultrasound of my neck/thyroid area. The last one I had was in April as part of the batter of tests/scans following my January 2009 surgery to remove more cancerous lymph nodes. All of my other ultrasound prior to the April one were performed by the same physician. However, the one in April was not for some reason, even after specifying I wanted to schedule this “regular” radiologist.

My conclusion as I dwelled on this: what if he missed something. He wasn’t familiar with my case. The other radiologist was.

So I should prepare myself for the worst with this ultrasound I will schedule in October. If there is something “suspicious” on ultrasound, I will have another fine needle aspiration (FNA) biopsy, the good ol’ sticking the needle in my neck again. Hopefully I can get both of these done before my trip to Austin/OKC in November.

If it proves to have the suspicious areas that I think it will, that will put me in December in terms of timing. I don’t want to have the surgery before Christmas because that’s depressing. This actually works out well as I should put it off to January 2010 to be able to use our medical savings account again since we tapped that out in June this year.

Wait…what am I doing?! I don’t even know if there is anything suspicious in my neck much less a recurrence!

And that, my friends, is how a cancer patient/survivor thinks from time to time. The days leading up to our check-ups, check-ins, whatever you want to call a doctor’s appointment to make sure you don’t have more cancer, really just stink and are nerve wracking.

Plus, I am my grandmother’s grandchild as my mom would say. Meaning, Mema worries about everything, and so do I.

I’ll do my best to keep my mind on other things (heaven knows there’s plenty of activity at our house/with our kids to keep me busy) the next few weeks, but I can’t promise anything other than there will be good days and bad days. Hoping for mostly good ones….I like those better.

CureToday.com: With Humor and Openness

2009-09-22T18:29:00.005-04:00

Hey, I was asked to write an article for CureToday.com!

Here's a link to the article>

Dirty Dancing with Charlie's Angels

2009-09-15T18:44:00.007-04:00

While at the beach vacationing in North Carolina this summer, we heard the incredible news that Michael Jackson had died. It was shocking....and then this smaller, side story came to light the same day: Farrah Fawcett had died of anal cancer. To me, this was a big story as well, but we didn't hear as much about Farrah that day.

As a child in the 70s (yes, I'm actually that old), I remember my friends and I playing Charlie's Angels. Even after she was off of the show, I was mesmerized by her. I mean, after all, she married the Six Million Dollar Man, Lee Majors! And then later Ryan O'Neal, but that's a different story....

Even though she had a Lifetime movie here and there, her star was never brighter than in the 70s . However, when I heard she was battling cancer, that caught my attention. It was shortly before I found out that I had thyroid cancer when I became aware of her diagnosis and was surprised. I'm not sure why, but I was just surprised.

And then I watched "Farrah's Story" earlier this year detailing her two year+ journey and fight. Wow...such grace and strength. Then to see her without her trademark beautiful hair in the end...amazing. Her spirit was inspiring. Watch it when you get the chance if you haven't already.

It seems like it was last summer when I was first aware that Patrick Swayze had cancer. I know he had several movies that made him famous, but for me, it was his Johnny character in Dirty Dancing. The movie came out while I was a student at Oklahoma State University.

It's strange in that I wasn't such a crazy fan of his, but he symbolized my youth as did Farrah. Beautiful people who don't age....but they did. Actors who were bigger than life...but they weren't. They are diagnosed with cancer just like me.

I am grateful for the technology, doctors, and the circumstances that lead to me to becoming a cancer survivor and having more time on this earth with my family. Sad today for those who have not been able to do so.

Bring on Fall

2009-09-07T06:54:00.004-04:00

Fall is my favorite season with the cooler weather, leaves turning, school starting, college football (hey, my OSU Cowboys beat Georgia to open the season Saturday 24-10!), soccer games on the weekend. I love it...ready to get it started, which I feel like it officially does no matter what the calendar says, on the day school starts. For us, that's tomorrow. Not sure the kids are ready, but I am!

The girls and I had a nice day on Friday afternoon thanks to my generous employer letting everyone off at 1 PM on Friday before Labor Day. We went to buy school supplies and along the way bought a few pair of shoes as well. That night, we attended the Madison football game. Three games of soccer (2 Saturday, 1 Sunday) with dinner on Saturday evening with good friends, and it was a great weekend.

But tomorrow, back to "business" for our family. One is off to her first day of middle school, the other her 3rd year of high school. The calendar is filled out with various activities including school holidays, cheer and dance practice, soccer practice, football and soccer games. The weather looks like it will be somewhat cooler this week. I'm looking at my turtlenecks and boots longingly...ah, it's fall!

Here It Comes Again....

2009-08-23T20:03:00.007-04:00

Chris posted photos from our June North Carolina trip this week on our flickr page, and it takes me back to that incredibly relaxing time. We took the three kids plus Chewie plus Spencer (friend of the kids that quickly became a part of our family), rented a house in North Carolina and proceeding to generally do.....nothing.

For those of you who know our crazy lives and the lifestyle in the Washington DC area, "doing nothing" is truly a gift. We are often running from soccer practice to performances, etc. Add to that mix the past year doctors appointments, ultrasounds, scans, and it gets a bit overwhelming at times.

It was a great time at the beach...wouldn't trade it for the world. Wonder why we have never done it before, wondering when we will fit it in next summer, the summer before Christian and Mackenzie's senior year. But I will do everything in my power to get it done.

I am being sentimental about the beach trip because....it's coming. No, I'm not talking about a scary movie, which I can't stand (don't even bring up Silence of the Lambs to me...I'm not kidding!). I'm talking about the beginning of school. It starts here September 8th.

Oklahoma/midwest friends, you can give to me now....yes, I know your kids are already in school. The disadvantage to the late start? The late getting out part in June. But I digress...

School will start, and we will start out busy lives again. But there is much to be thankful for.

Cancer-wise, I'm doing well. No cause for worry on the horizon. I'm having a routine follow up ultrasound in October as well as doctor's visit. Still getting used to being a cancer survivor, still sometimes think back to "what was I doing a year ago?" And think, "Ah yes, getting my voice back, my stamina back, starting at that scar on my neck - still in shock about it all." Now? Really proud of that scar (you can see said scar in the photo above...look close!). Shows I did it...twice in the last year.

My lack 'o thyroid, well, that's a different story. I'm still often tired, taking naps whenever I can. I've gained weight since this time last year to the point my clothes are tight. Will not buy more...must lose weight. Battling to get my thyroid meds regulated but will keep working on this with my endocrinologist.

So starting a new school year soon...this time, thankful for the family time at the beach this summer and thankful for the lack 'o cancer.

The "wow it's August" update

2009-08-08T15:46:00.016-04:00

Wow, is it August already? It's been a while since I've blogged. Kinda strange as I remember having ideas for blog posts, but I guess just didn't follow through.

Since I've blogged last...let's see....

Morgan came home from Oklahoma

Chris and I had our 5th anniversary (see photo...money tree gift from Chris!)

Morgan tried out for the Virginia Olympic Development Program (soccer). No news yet if she made the cut.

Chris and Christian spent a long weekend at the beach with Uncle Nick and Jay

Morgan left again...this time for church children's camp (last time)/Youth Up retreat (first time)

Chris and Christian found a used truck for Christian and bought it

I got sick Tuesday night gradually got worse. Finally went to the doctor on Friday. I have bronchitis and was dehydrated.

Kenzie left for West Virginia/Youth Up Retreat

Chris and Christian left at 4 AM today to drive the truck back to Indiana for Christian.

I am on day 5 of bronchitis. Literally in bed all day, trying to get better. Yes, I'm blogging from bed.

Weird day for me....house so empty and quiet, quite a phenomenon for those of us with teenagers. I feel about 10% better since seeing the doctor yesterday. Doctor says I should feel better by Monday or I should go back to see her. I'm skeptical at this point, but maybe the antibiotics will be kicking in soon.

So there's the update...and I hope to feel better soon.

Multiple choice: lazy, exhausted, or thyroid

2009-07-18T21:03:00.009-04:00

Basking in the thrill of being cancer free for a whole six weeks now, I continue to be tired. I hate tired. It sounds like whining...it sounds weak. People give you blank looks when you say, "I'm tired." And yet, most days I could, and sometimes do, climb in my bed about 6 PM for a nap or at least some vegitating.

It all feels like a never-ending circle since last summer...major cancer surgery is sure to make you exhausted. Your body has to recover. It never really did as two weeks post-surgery, I'm on this amazingly horrible low-iodine diet in preparation for thyroid cancer treatment and taken off of all thyroid meds. Then treatment....then continued recovery and adjusting thyroid meds. A mere three months later, more cancer...more surgery...more tired.

But now, I am through with cancer (rockin' the positive attitude here), and the tiredness lingers. I mentioned this to my family doc on a routine visit lately, and she did some blood work (everyone wants my blood these days...) to discover that I have a Vitamin D deficiency. A friend told me how her lack of Vit. D solved her energy problem so I thought, "Ah ha! There it is...mystery solved."

Six weeks after starting special Vitamin D supplements, I'm still tired. Like some days wanting to go to bed shortly after getting out of bed tired. Other days, it catches up to me by the end of the day.

I should get out and walk, you know, exercise...but I'm truly too tired. I'm afraid I would have to call Mackenzie or Chris to come pick me up as I'm curled around a stop sign on Lawyers Road (Vienna reference...sorry non-Vienna folks).

So I guess I'll blame my lack-o-thyroid just because blaming it on something makes me feel better. But really, I just want it to stop. I don't want to be "too tired" and miss Morgan scoring a goal or miss a performance (vocal, dance, or otherwise) of Mackenzie's.

My endo, whom I really like, is actually dropping my thyroid medication in the direction that would make me more tired because my #s aren't right. (Program note: When they surgically remove your thyroid, you are forever on daily medication to replace what your thyroid does, which is maintain energy and metabolism. It's a constant battle to get these medication levels right.)

So it's multiple choice: lazy, exhausted, or thyroid...and I don't even know the correct answer.

Hey, It's My Cancerversary!

2009-07-14T11:20:00.010-04:00

One year ago today, I went to Fairfax Radiology to have a thyroid biopsy. For some reason, my gut said "this is going to be bad news", and I asked Chris to go to the appointment with me.

As I'm getting ready for the procedure, I told the nurse I was nervous. She said that they saw 20-25 patients a day for the thyroid biopsies and typically only one per day was positive for cancer. I was the one on July 14, 2008.

I knew what to expect at the biopsy. I was told they would stick a needle in each of the three thyroid nodules that had found on ultrasound the week before. I read they gave you some local anesthetic before inserting the needle. However, that's not how they roll at Fairfax Radiology apparently. They noted, and it made sense, that if they numbed it up, it would be yet another needle in my neck when it would be over fairly quickly if they just went for it, which they did.

"Tilt your head back so that your neck is sticking out so we can see the nodules better," he said. A radiologist was in the room "running" the needle while a pathologist was observing, making sure the specimen taken was adequate.

It really was not a big deal having a needle stuck in your neck without anesthesia three times, at least compared to what I was about to face. Remember, the needle has to be big enough to get an adequate amount to look at....times three as I had three nodules.

Once the specimens were out, the pathologist took the samples to look at them. The nurse brought Chris back to the room, and we waited.

They wouldn't let him go back with me during the procedure, but he was there when I received the results. The minute the radiologist came back in the room, my gut feeling was confirmed. I knew before he said a word. "You have papillary carcinoma - thyroid cancer."

I think back to that day and how everything changed and not all for bad. Two surgeries, one hospitalization for radioactive treatment, numerous ultrasounds, two needle biopsies (recurrence in Jan 2009) and what seems like a million blood draws later, I've learned alot about myself, family, and friends. I have "met" folks on the Internet who have had thyroid cancer and other cancers. I consider these folks my friends and am amazed at their strength and courage. I started blogging about a month after my first surgery...and discovered a whole new world. I learned that if you don't take charge of your own healthcare, no one else will. I changed jobs, moving from a cancer organization to a veterans non-profit, 10 days after my second surgery...one of the best decisions I have made in recent memory!

So my Cancerversary - the day I was diagnosed - is not some sad, gloomy day. Yes, cancer does stink, but I'm doing fine (still tired - thanks thyroidless body! - but fine). I'm glad to be alive and learning to love the five-inch scar on my neck and what it represents.

So...Happy Cancerversary to me! See, and you thought it was just Bastille Day....

Three months? Really?

2009-07-06T21:08:00.007-04:00

I recently visited my endocrinologist, Dr. Pun, in six-week follow up. He basically said everything looked good after my terrific thyroglobulin results (best since I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer last summer!), and he would see me in three months.

Really? Three months? I have been seen at least every six weeks, if not more often, by a doctor since all of this started last summer.

Don't get me wrong...I'm thrilled! Woohoo! Great news! However, it feels a little weird. For the last year, I've had more doctors appointments that possibly in my entire life. Family practice docs, surgeons, endocrinologist, radiologists...Been hospitalized three times, two times for surgery, once for radioactive treatment. With that said, it just feels a little weird for a doctor to say "see you in three months" after what I've been through.

As I get used to the cancer diagnosis, I guess I also get used to being a survivor as well. Happy to do so, but again, just another curve ball that cancer has thrown me.

Speaking of being diagnosed, that "anniversary" date, some call it their cancerversary, is fast approaching. July 14 is the day everything changed. I don't have anxiety about it approaching, but it is a definite reminder on the calendar of the day I received the news. After the needle biopsy, the radiologist looked me in the eye and said "You have papillary carcinoma (thyroid cancer)."

My feelings as I approach my cancerversary are interesting and confusing...pride with how I handled it mixed tears for the pain (emotionally and physically) that I have been through. I'm curious how my feelings will evolve the closer it gets to July 14.

Back from the beach

2009-07-02T11:35:00.004-04:00

We arrived back home last Saturday after a week at the beach, Carova, North Carolina, to be specific. I haven't spent a week at the beach since....the girls were 5 and 9 years old. Considering they are 12 and 16 now, it's been a while!

After a few challenges with transportation once we got there, it was a relaxing week. I should explain: our transportation challenges were rooted in the fact that our beach house was literally on the beach. OK, not so much on the beach (it was REAL close), but we had to drive on the beach for three miles to get to it.

I didn't know this until we got there, but I guess you are supposed to let out some air from your tires when you drive on the beach, even with 4-wheel drive. We did but let out too much air, which had two of our four tires shot, driving on rims on the beach. Chris and the boys spent practically one whole day getting these two tires replaced. $400 later, we were set.

It was one of the most relaxing and enjoyable weeks I can ever remember in my life. We slept late, ate good food (only ate out once...seafood of course!....and cooked at our house the rest of the time, mainly grilled), read, and spent most of our time in the private pool, hot tub, or beach.

Chewie had never been to the beach before. He had a great time jumping in the waves! Except for one day that we walked to the beach and he burned his paws....he didn't like that.

This week I was forunate to be home again as my office is closed this week as a cost-saving measure. We could take any combination of furlough days (we all have to take 3-5 this year), sick or vacation days for Monday-Wednesday. Regular holidays were scheduled for today and Friday for the July 4th holiday. Teenagers are at church camp and Chris had to work so it's been just Morgan and I. We've had fun from going to the cheap movies to see "Earth" to doing a little shopping, sleepovers with her friends, and working on soccer rosters.

Ah, summer....

It's the last....

2009-06-18T09:20:00.001-04:00

We've had lots of "lasts" lately in our family as Morgan is in her last week of elementary school.

A week ago she played her last soccer game on the smaller field. In the fall, she will play on the full-sized field, 11 girls on the field instead of eight, larger ball.

She had her last elementary band concert on Thursday.

Today is her last day of elementary school.

Morgan is my youngest child. I'm feeling a little sad about all of these lasts. I've only cried a few times. :)

It's a little bit like when Mackenzie started high school, a bit of a "really?" moment.

I remember as a teenager people saying how fast time goes by. Now, I really know what they mean!

Kenzie is Participating in Relay 4 Life

2009-05-26T11:04:00.005-04:00

You normally don't get solicitations for money when you read my blog. However, Kenzie is participating in Relay 4 Life in honor of my thyroid cancer battle. I've added a link to her Relay page below. Would you consider donating to help her reach her goal?

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY09SA?px=10977776&pg=personal&fr_id=12915&fl=en_US&et=u2DLHE8kLTZsUsAllUKipQ..&s_tafId=246051

Thanks!

And the results are in....

2009-05-19T21:54:00.002-04:00

A short and sweet report: My thyroglobulin level went down as we needed it to. And I mean big time, down to the normal range....so very happy!

For the first time since all of this thyroid cancer business started last summer, this all-important blood test was normal, not elevated.

Many, many, many thanks to all for your prayers and support! Feels like a new day, a new chapter, all of those "new" metaphors you can think of.

I am grateful.

The Waiting Game

2009-05-15T15:55:00.006-04:00

I had my blood drawn yesterday at Dr. Pun's office to check my thyroglobulin level. Getting pretty friendly with all phlebotomists at this point. Don't all cancer patients? I mean, our blood is drawn constantly...not to mention the poking and prodding. And shouldn't you be nice to the phlebotomists? They have the needles.

I digress...won't know any results until "early next week." Last time, it was either Monday afternoon or Tuesday, I don't remember. Regardless, the waiting for results kills me every time I have to do this. Luckily, there's a bunch going on this weekend to keep me busy and not thinking about it.

Remember from my last post, we need the level to go down more toward 0.5 instead of staying in the abnormal range of where it is currently. I mean we REALLY need that to happen.

Blogging is therapeutic...hey, I knew that!

2009-05-15T13:39:00.007-04:00

Hey I found an article on the CancerCompass Weekly Newsletter that validates what I already knew...blogging is therapeutic to cancer patients/survivors. It certainly is for me!

My blog has really evolved since I started it back in August 2008. It began as a way for me to keep my family and friends updated on my cancer treatment progress in lieu of sending out mass emails. It also became a way for me to vent my frustrations, fears, and victories while still communicating that treatment/update information.

Then something great and unexpected happened along the way...other thyroid cancer patients (and frankly many kinds of cancer patients) found my blog. It has been great to connect with others who are having similar experiences and feelings. From radioactive iodine treatments to issues with endocrinologists, we have been able to connect on a variety of levels.

And sometimes my blog is about fun stuff, which works too. Even though cancer has become a slice of my life pie, there are lots of other pieces I am a part of from cancer to soccer to Britney Spears, you can find it all on my blog!

Creeping in again....

2009-05-12T15:00:00.012-04:00

I'm really, really trying to not have worry and anxiety about my thyroid cancer, but sometimes it just creeps back in.

On Thursday, I have another set of blood work to be done. My endocrinologist is drawing another thyroglobulin level in follow up to my follow-up tests in April post-second cancer surgery.

A very loose definition of thyroglobulin levels for thyroid cancer patients: if it is higher than 0.5, there is a possibility that there could be more cancer to deal with, especially if you had positive lymph nodes, which I did. However, one reading above 0.5 is not enough to indicate recurrence. It is more of a trend to watch. If there is a consistent 2-3 (or obviously more) levels that are above 0.5, then there is probably a need for an ultrasound.

Last fall, I had three thyroglobulin levels in a row post-first surgery above 10. Ultrasound found more suspicious nodules. FNA confirmed it. Yet another surgery on my neck in January 2009 to remove more cancer.

My level in April was 3.5. That is a bit worrisome. Since I was diagnosed in July 2008, my thyroglobulin level has never been below 0.5.

I'm hoping that I have a thyroglobulin below 3.5 this time. That would indicate a trend towards 0.5. What a treat that would be if it went below 3.5!

But what if it goes up? I'll probably have another ultrasound. What if there is more suspicious stuff on that? I'll have a needle stuck in my neck again (FNA) to biopsy it/them. What if it is positive? I'll have surgery...again.

I don't want to have surgery again....but I might not have to. And what if my level trends downwards? That would be awesome! If not, I know what I'm in for at least. No real surprises.

A fellow cancer survivor and friend has a blog called The Cancer Warrior. I'm beginning to think that's me: not yet a survivor, not a patient as I don't like that...I'll be a Cancer Warrior like Mel!

Mimi's Mother's Day

2009-05-09T10:58:00.007-04:00

Mother's Day is tomorrow, and I still often don't think of me as the mother on this day, just really think about my Mom (or as my girls call her now: Mimi).

Growing up, my mom was the cool mom, and my house was the place to be. My mom would feed you, teach you how to drive, play cards with you, and support you. And she did all of this for me as well...first and foremost.

I often thought it was a shame that I was her only child as she had so much love for all kids. High school friends often told me how lucky I was to have a mom like her. My extended family thought the same...at one point, she would have been a guardian for most (maybe all) of my cousins if anything had happened to my aunts and uncles!

Somewhere along the way, I realized that she was the one mom for me and me only. There's a poem that I can't find or remember that talks about the different stages of your opinion about your mom. Something about:

When you are in elementary school, she hung the moon.
As a teenager, she knows nothing at all.
In college, you start to think she does know a few things.
As an adult, you don't make any major life decision without consulting her.

That about sums it up for me except even in high school, I knew she was wise and great and the mom for me.

Last summer when I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, she was the first person I called with the news (husband was with me when I found out). It was the hardest thing I've had to do, tell my mom that I had cancer.

In the past year, she has spent approximately five weeks at my house (two different sessions/two separate surgeries), helping me and my family during this cancer business. Although I would not wish to have cancer if given the choice, good things have come from the experience. One is that I was able to spend alot of time with my mom. When I was in the hospital for four days last summer, she spent most every day by my side in the hospital entertaining me or saying nothing at all, just being there.

And for that, and her, I am grateful.

I can only hope to be as good of a mom as she was to me. She's a tough act to follow... :)

Blogger intimidation & lack of turtlenecks...oh, and swine flu

2009-04-30T20:55:00.006-04:00

WARNING: This should probably be three posts. Unfortunately, I'm just not that creative these days.

My dear cousin has a wonderful blog, All Things in Moderation, as does a friend of mine, Soup is not a Finger Food. Both have interesting lives and are VERY funny, witty, and charming. Yes, All Things and Soup, I'm buttering you up...happy? :)

But me....my life has just not been that funny OR interesting lately. That's OK, just kinda new for me, what with all of the thyroid cancer fun of late! I think I'll take it. As a result, just nothing much to say lately except....

I have gone six straight days without wearing a scarf! I kid you not...the April 90-degree weather forced it upon me. Couldn't justify it. So my chapstick-looking sunscreen stick is my new best friend. I whip it out on the Metro, at the grocery store, on the soccer fields. My scar is my new badge of courage, and anyone can stare or comment. I don't care now! It's really been liberating.

Oh yeah...swine flu. Kinda freaked about it as lots of others are. Wash your hands, people, or use lots of hand sanitizer. But shouldn't we be doing that anyway?

Letting go of turtlenecks

2009-04-19T21:45:00.012-04:00

I find myself looking at the weather forecast more lately, hoping it stays cold. I like the winter, always have, but just today I realized that I have a different motive now.

I have spent the last winter wearing turtlenecks and scarves. I have always liked to wear turtlenecks and started wearing scarves last winter just because I like them.

I wore turtlenecks and scarves the past six months mainly to hide my five-inch scar at the base of my neck from thyroid cancer. Yet, at the same time, I said that I didn't mind my thyroid cancer scar. In fact, when I'm at home, I walk around sans scarf if I wore it at work or just out in general.

I truly have a love-hate relationship with that scar. Most of the time, I look at it and am proud, reminded that I did it, survived not one but two cancer surgeries in the past nine months. Other times, I hate looking at it every morning in the mirror as I take my thyroid meds.

A few times I have been in public with my scar uncovered and caught someone's eye looking at it and frowning. I wanted to scream "thyroid cancer" but didn't. But I could see their expression.

This thyroid cancer diagnosis is challenging me to do so many things personally beyond fight against it...be patient as my blood tests and PET scan is just not right and we "wait and watch." Examine my inner self with this scar and how to be comfortable in my own skin with it.

I bought one of those chapstick-looking sunscreen sticks at Target this weekend. More than anything, I need to keep my scar out of the sun for a minimum of six months so it that sensitive scar tissue won't get darker. On a different plane, I need to figure this out in my head, how to go in public with my scar exposed and not examine every single person's facial expression.

Maybe I'll try once this week to not wear a scarf or a turtleneck to work....or maybe the cold will stick around another week.

Soccer season!

2009-04-09T18:48:00.006-04:00

Tired of talking about thyroid cancer....Good news: it's soccer season! I love to watch Morgan play. :)

And now for the results....

2009-04-08T19:56:00.004-04:00

Dr. Pun's office called yesterday and said he wanted me to come to the office and discuss all of the test results from my thyroid cancer follow up in person since the information was so "detailed." As you can imagine, a thousand things ran through my head:

Detailed? What does that mean?
I'm a new patient, only seen him once, so he probably just wants to go over everything.
It's horrible news! Oh no...
It's nothing...he wants to celebrate with me!

At 8:15 AM this morning, Dr. Pun started the conversation this morning by saying we had a conundrum. He can't say I am cancer free, but there is not enough evidence to say I have a recurrence.

Thyroglobin blood test results were elevated, and that caused him some concern as this is the test that with thyroid cancer patients often indicates recurrence. However, whole body scan showed nothing (radioactivity based). PET scan (glucose based) showed some very small things/nodules on the left side of my neck (not necessarily cancer), but these didn't show up on the WBS or the ultrasound. Left side is surprising as all cancer has been on the right side to date.

The very good news: no cancer shown in chest or bones, the places where thyroid cancer metastasizes to if it is going to at all.

Dr. Pun advised waiting and watching. I'm going to have my blood drawn in 4-6 weeks to recheck that thyroglobin and will continue to have that blood work monitored. I will also have this same week-long battery of tests again at the end of the year/9 months.

I had hoped to hear "cancer free" but am OK with this result as well. I don't have to undergo surgery, and he advises against the radioactive treatment at least for now. Thyroid cancer is slow growing so I don't expect some dramatic change in six weeks or even six months.

This will be an exercise in controlling my anxiety and worry about the thyroid cancer. I have to move on and let this go mentally, knowing at the same time I need to stay on top of the follow up testing.

Overall, I am relieved....really!

Thanks for your support and prayers! Family, friends, and honestly even strangers have shown an outpouring of love towards me, and I thank you.

Waiting....and waiting

2009-04-05T20:48:00.002-04:00

All of the shots have been given, IVs run, PET scan done, whole body scan done, blood work drawn X 2...and now I'm waiting for the tests results. No news yet, staying busy with soccer and family and work and...I'm still waiting. When I know more, you'll know more.

I've got a good feeling things will come back how I want, no more thyroid cancer, but I still need the official confirmation!

A whiny update

2009-04-01T14:51:00.008-04:00

As part of the preparation for my PET scan, I could not eat any carbs, sugar, or drink caffeinated drinks. That was yesterday...for 24 hours. Fun.

PET scan this morning: I arrived at 6:15 AM. After the usual paperwork, I was escorted to a quiet, small room where the technician first pricked my finger for a glucose test like diabetic patients must do. He then started an IV and pushed some sort of glucose mixture into it, then took the IV out of my arm. I told him that I have had bad experiences with IVs in the hospital, but he did a great job, barely felt it.

Next, he reclined the chair, gave me a pillow and blanket and said that I needed to stay still for an hour while the glucose traveled throughout my body. I promptly went to sleep.

After an hour, he woke me, and I went to the scanner next for another hour of lying completely still. I slept more, luckily.

And that's it....rather uneventful. Back home around 9:15. But exhausted...and hungry.

Hungry, because, you see, I had to take my radioactive tracer dose at 12:30 in Alexandria and could not have anything to eat prior to it. So I continued in my hunger, waiting to go to Alexandria.

While in Alexandria getting my tracer dose, I met a man also getting his tracer dose in follow up for thyroid cancer. He has been a patient of Dr. Pun (new endocrinologist, remember?) since the mid-90s for other issues and then Dr. Pun found the thyroid cancer too. He told me how much he likes and trusts Dr. Pun. It was nice to get a good endorsement from someone else.

What's next? 8:00 AM tomorrow is the whole body scan.

On top of it all, I am still fighting this cold. Feel worse today than yesterday. It is settling in my chest as a cough, and I am so tired of it. Morgan is home today from school with the same symptoms. Ugh.

The mental part of the scans and tests, I think, is worse than the physical. Even when I have a positive attitude about it all, which I do, there are still thoughts that creep in like...

"It will be great to finally be cancer free...but what if I'm not."

"What if this is the start of "round three" with cancer."

That definitely all came back walking into the hospital today. When the technician was talking with me about the arm band and how everyone would keep asking me my name and birthday, I assured him I was an old pro at this as I had been admitted to that hospital twice in the last year for thyroid cancer surgery.

Sometimes I step back and think about statements like that....I'm an old pro at cancer surgery? Really? Or my comment to the PET scan technician talking about IVs and how I'm used to getting stuck for IVs, blood tests, etc. Am I really used to it?

I've come a long way in a year, down a road and back with cancer. Ready to take a fork in it, and take a different direction.

OK, whinning over...for now.

Gettin' Checked Out This Week

2009-03-29T21:47:00.008-04:00

This is the week...finally. The last round of tests to determine that I am cancer free.

It's a pain in the butt really....but necessary. I have to do something everyday this week in follow up. Here's the lineup (trying to work the baseball references in for you, Gary, any way that I can!), all happening in Alexandria:

Monday: TSH shot
Tuesday: TSH shot
Wednesday: PET scan at 6:30 AM. Here's a link to a great explanation about a PET scan. Lots of dietary restrictions on Tuesday in preparation...no carb, milk. Feels a little like the low-iodine diet I had to be on prior to radioactive treatment in September but, thankfully, only for one day. AT 12:30 this same day, I have to get my radioactive tracer dose.
Thursday: whole body scan
Friday: blood work draw

So...the fun begins tomorrow morning. I'll keep you posted, as always.

Britney!

2009-03-26T17:13:00.008-04:00

I'm like the ringleader, I call the shots.
I'm like a firecracker, I make it hot.

---Britney Spears, Circus

OK, I am going to admit it here too since I've already admitted it on Twitter....I went to the Britney Spears concert at the Verizon Center in Washington, DC, on Tuesday! I got tickets for Mackenzie for her 16th birthday back in December (since when do they sell tickets SO far in advance for concerts? I mean, you better have a long-range calendar to plan your attendance at these concerts...but I digress.)

I bought two tickets. At the time, I was unsure if I was going to give both to her or have us go together. In the end, I decided I would go with her, and I am happy that I did. It was a GREAT concert! From the music, the stage show, the opening act (Pussycat Dolls), I was really impressed...or was it that I just had not been to a concert in a million years? Hard to tell....

Most folks attending this concert fell into three categories:

Packs of teenage girls, most dressed up in shirts they made for themselves just for the concert with "Britney" written all over it and some titles of songs, etc. or dresssed like her, which was sometimes scary.
Mothers and daughters (clearly, we fell into this category)
Gay men...lots of them having a great time!

There was the occasional boyfriend that a girl dragged along or even a few packs of 30 or 40-something women dressed up for the evening out. However, most fell into the categories above.

She entered the stage, no surprise, in a circus ringleader outfit singing the title song to her new album, "Circus" and then proceeded to change clothes about eight times. There was a round video screen surrounding the main ring of her stage that moved up and down depending on if they wanted you to see what was going on or not (like set changes). Of course, there were three rings, all with bullseyes on each.

She started with Circus and next was Piece of Me, which she did from an animal cage with dancers rolling her around to each of the three rings. From there, she went into several songs from the new album, most of which I had heard at least once. Regardless, even when you didn't know the songs, it was entertaining. She even had circus performers performing before her show began and between songs when she was changing clothes.

The best part of the show was the end, when she sang all of the older music and 18,000 people were singing with her....Toxic, Hit Me Baby, Slave 4 You, etc. She ended with an amazing version of Womanizer, clad in a police outfit complete with black short shorts and knee-high black lace up boots.

If you get a chance to see her concert, GO! Don't be all prissy about it, "I don't know about Britney Spears....she lip syncs......blah, blah, blah." Just do it!

Why does this post read like a concert review and Nike commercial all rolled up into one?

And Mackenzie, is this two in a row NOT about cancer?!

Something other than cancer?

2009-03-23T22:21:00.009-04:00

Eldest daughter asked this weekend if I could blog about something other than cancer. Why, yes, I can....happy to do so!

You may remember that I received roller skates for my birthday last month. Here's a few photos from our time on the bike trail this weekeknd below:

Smirk on both of our faces as she leaves me in the dust!

I don't care if Chris takes my photo or not, just am about to fall (but actually didn't...)!

The good news continues....

2009-03-20T21:06:00.004-04:00

Geez, I've been MIA lately when it comes to blogging. Sorry about that...

The good news that continues is...my chest x-ray is clear! Since I've had thyroid cancer, you may ask "Why do you need a chest x-ray, Charlcie?" Well, I'll tell you...one of the two most common places thyroid cancer spreads to, if it is going to spread, is the bones and the chest. The clear chest x-ray proves that it has not spread to my chest. Great news!

More tests to come...PET scan and whole body scan. Still waiting for endo to schedule these. However, it should be the last week of March or first week of April. But definitely, so far, so good.

Happy weekend to all!

The Streak Has Ended

2009-03-11T22:20:00.004-04:00

I had my fourth ultrasound since July 2008 relating to thyroid cancer today. The first three all came back positive for something "suspicious" that was followed up with a biopsy proving papillary carcinoma, the most common form of thyroid cancer, as well as surgery.

Today, I broke the streak and am happy that I did! The ultrasound did not show anything suspicious! No biopsy to schedule!

I still have some other follow up tests to do such as a whole body scan and PET scan in addition to results from a chest x-ray performed today. These are all to make sure that the cancer has not spread anywhere else. However, this is a REALLY GOOD result today. Really good....moving towards being a cancer survivor and not a patient anymore. :)

Many thanks to all of you who sent prayers and good thoughts my way.

The Mustang for Redheaded Girls

2009-03-09T21:32:00.007-04:00

Well, we did it...and by we, I mean it took a village to pool our money and get this eight-year-old Mustang for Mackenzie. We went to look at it on Saturday, and out walked this Mustang's driver for the past seven years, a redheaded girl who was, get this, a cheerleader as well. It only had 48,000 miles on it...a big selling point. After 30 minutes of Chris checking it out and giving it a go around Arlington, we decided to get it for her.

Wasn't it just yesterday that she started kindergarten? Where does the time go?

No ultrasound yet...rescheduled for Wednesday

2009-03-07T08:10:00.004-05:00

In my excitement with the snow on Monday, I left you hanging about my ultrasound scheduled on that day. A representative from that medical office called on Monday morning at 6:30 AM and cancelled due to the snow. So...I was rescheduled for Wednesday morning, March 11th, which also happens to be Morgan's birthday. I am also going to get my chest x-ray that day. I will definitely report back when I know more.

Big weekend around here...6th grade girls semi-finals tournament game at 11:30 AM. Morgan plays, Chris coaches. 3 PM is Charlotte's first birthday party! Charlotte is my cousin's precious daughter. 6 PM...the house fills with four additional 11/12 year old girls for a trip to Dave & Buster's and a slumber party!

Tomorrow - hopefully the 6th grade girls championship basketball game (have to win today). Regardless, Morgan plays in and Chris coaches the all-star basketball game at 4:30 PM tomorrow.

Whew! Then...basketball is over after this weekend. This is good as Morgan is ready for soccer season!

Me...I'm feeling pretty good, hoping for great results from all of these follow-up tests that are coming soon. Besides the ultrasound and x-ray next week, I also have a whole body scan and PET scan pending, which should happen before the end of the month. It's all in an effort to make sure the cancer is gone for good this time.

Hey, and maybe I can get some roller skating in this weekend...it's supposed to be 70 degrees both days!

Roller skates and snow in NOVA

2009-03-02T17:36:00.009-05:00

A few photos from the past few days. I got what I wanted for my birthday...roller skates! Wanted skates for outdoors but hate rollerblades.

Also, a few photos from our backyard: Morgan and Chewie in the snow today!

It's Not a Leap Year...Hit the Road 40!

2009-02-28T09:28:00.008-05:00

Today is my birthday...sort of. I was born on February 29th, which comes every four years. It's crazy when you think of the odds: one day every four years, and I was born on it! Then I've got this unusual name too (thanks, Mom!), which I really like now, didn't when I was little.

Anyway...Last year I had my 10th/40th birthday, and it was great! I had no issues with turning 40, embraced it, spent a great day with my husband and family.

Then the year started to unravel...

Christian decided to move back to Indiana to live with his mother, which nearly broke all of our hearts
July 14th of 2008, I was diagnosed with papillary carcinoma (thyroid cancer)
A week later, I found out that I had suspicious lymph nodes as well. Turned out four of 14 lymph nodes were positive for cancer on the right side of my neck. Two were as big as small plums!
Surgery on July 31st was supposed to be an overnight. I ended up four days in the hospital with complications, a lovely five-inch scar on my neck, and home for the entire month of August recovering.
In August, I met the endocrinologist that would soon be called "the doctor that I don't like." If cancer didn't make me crazy enough, he did even more so.
In preparation for radioactive treatment, I was on a low-iodine diet to make what was left of my thyroid/thyroid cancer hungry for iodine, thus, the treatment more successful. Iodine is in so many things you would never suspect. I hated this and ended up losing weight (I know, not a bad thing) and being grouchy (right, family?) because of it.
Radioactive treatment is September was uneventful...thank goodness.
But then my lab results never would come down. Something was up. Doctor that I don't like wasn't worried but still ordered an ultrasound/follow up.
Oh yeah, and the economy was starting to tank at this point.
Which lead to an early January 2009 finding of more thyroid cancer. Recurrence or left over from the first diagnosis, it didn't matter. I had more cancer to deal with.
Also early January, my in-laws had a fire at their house that caused extensive smoke damage! At this point, we all wanted to start 2009 over. :)
Surgery again on January 15th. Dr. Sanders went in looking for one cancerous lymph node and found three more. Scar had just started to heal; he had to open it again.
Just this week, Chris's grandfather, our Boompah, passed away.
Another family member close to me was diagnosed with cancer this week. Definitely treatable, but still cancer.

Honestly, this is the bad stuff. There were lots of good things that happened along the way like my new job that I started the end of January. It couldn't be a better fit! Morgan changed soccer teams and, again, it was a great decision! Certainly other positives I'm missing.

I'm recounting all of this to say: Farewell 40! I had high hopes, but then you stunk up the place with cancer and other stuff. Get outta here...leave!

I'm ready for 41! Couldn't be more ready for a new start with a new day, a new attitude. I'm moving on.

Since 2009 didn't bring promise in and of itself, I'm going to rely on my birthday year, starting today, being great. Join with me...endeavor to make this year the best you can starting today!

New Guinea and a Reason to Live

2009-02-26T22:19:00.002-05:00

Check out this article that appeared in the Washington Post recently written by Ibby Caputo who was diagnosed with acute myelogenous leukemia when she was 26.

Thoughts of traveling to New Guinea just because she wanted to, children, and the future filled her mind as she made decisions about a stem cell transplant.

In the end, Ibby said:“Each day I lived, life would have to be my deliberate choice.

In a situation that feels utterly powerless, when your body betrays you and you need doctors, nurses, blood transfusions, IV nutrition, medicine and the mercy of insurance companies and God to keep you alive, this personal power gave me the will to try.”

It's a moving article. Take a few minutes to read it...and say a prayer for those dealing with cancer today.

Looking to break the streak

2009-02-26T06:45:00.011-05:00

On Monday, March 2nd, I’m looking to get out of my groove, hoping to NOT go 4 for 4. Remember my 3 for 3 post from December 2008? Three ultrasounds since July 2008, all three showed something suspicious that turned up as cancer. Fourth ultrasound is Monday. I know spring training has started (Gary, we all know you are rooting for the Dodgers…), but this is one streak I’d like to break!

Every time I drive by the Fairfax Radiology office on Route 50 and Prosperity Drive, I cringe. We drive by there each Monday to take Mackenzie to her choral society practice. This is where those first three ultrasounds have been conducted as well as the two biopsies that confirmed the cancer. Hate the place yet glad for the technology there as well as the radiologist and pathologist who have been great and have found it each time.

For me, it’s a place of much anxiety and tears.

I’m also having a chest x-ray Monday. Thyroid cancer can spread to the chest so an x-ray is in order to check this out. The "the doctor that I don't like" never ordered one…shocker! New doctor ordered one, and I’m glad.

I’ve had a quiet, focused six weeks recovering from surgery and starting the new job. Both went well. Hopefully the scans and testing I’m about to begin will go just as well.

Let’s break the streak!

Seen on the Metro

2009-02-24T22:09:00.008-05:00

Since I started my new job in late January, I've been taking the Metro Orange line to work. I like it, better than sitting on the DC Beltway try to get to/from Bethesda or Alexandria (locations of former jobs). Plus, it seems to always be entertaining, sometimes good and sometimes bad.

What I've seen on the Metro lately...

A woman faint at my feet

People help this woman like I've never seen before in DC...gave up their seat, gave her space, water, someone fanned her & accompanied her off the Metro at her stop.

A man who looked EXACTLY like Albert Einstein

A woman with the most ridiculous white winter fur hat that I've ever seen

What or who have you see on the Metro lately? If you don't live in DC, tell me something crazy you have seen in general lately. Let's smile at something silly, you know?

Outta Control on the Quotes

2009-02-20T19:01:00.009-05:00

Yep, another ridiculous photo. You may ask yourself...why? See the sign? Morganics? Morgan, this one is for you. Love, Mom :)

I'm on a roll with the quotes thanks to the Sierra Club's "Daily Ray of Hope" emails. Some may say, "Why, Charlcie, I didn't know you were a granola cruncher?" I'm really not yet have nothing against the granola cruncher crowd. As a website content person, just love their website and ran across this "Daily Ray of Hope" thing.

ANYWAY....here it is:

Uncertainty and mystery are energies of life. Don't let them scare you unduly, for they keep boredom at bay and spark creativity.
-- R. I. Fitzhenry

Cancer has definitely been an uncertainly and a mystery to me. I have been scared unduly by it. I have definitely been interestingly both bored and not bored with it. It has sparked a level of creativity within me...really challenging me to branch out and take risks more. And be more relaxed...(family inserts a "really?!" here). OK, at least most days I am more relaxed.

I whined alot yesterday about cancer. Here are things I am thankful for:

A job. Alot of people don't have one
A very understanding husband who loves me
Happy and productive children
A furry dog
That I "get" to be Morgan's soccer team manager starting this season

OK, carry on with your weekend....

I'm easily amused...and aggravated

2009-02-19T22:03:00.021-05:00

What is this ridiculous photo? We were in Target this past weekend, and I was fascinated with the transportation system for the cart for the two-story building. I just had to take pictures with my cell phone.

Pretty awesome, huh?

For those of you unfamiliar, that's my husband Chris in the orange hat.

Moving on to the topic of this post....

I have not blogged in a week for various reasons. Blogger intimidation for one. I am waiting for that one, really good topic to come to me...then it doesn't come. Or I get distracted by something else.

Another reason: I'm not feeling so great about the cancer these days, and I don't want to be a downer. But then, this is reality with cancer so I do want to share it. I've had other thyroid cancer patients and survivors say this is helpful to share it all, the good and the bad. I also don't want people to worry about me...I'm fine, just struggling with the cancer survivorship.

I want to be one of those people like I follow on Facebook or Twitter that really has a handle on moving forward after cancer. I'm not there yet. It needs to be OK that I'm not there yet. I'm still aggravated by:

the original diagnosis last summer
"the doctor that I don't like" and how much time I wasted with him
the recurrence of cancer last month
all of the scans and tests I have to do in March to determine if we got it all...again

Yet all of that feels really selfish so I try not to let myself feel it. But can't I feel aggravated for having cancer? I don't want to feel sorry for myself either, which I don't think I do but....It's so conflicting.

I ran across this quote in my inbox today:

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.
-- Joseph Campbell

I have a new life now, a new normal. I'm still growing into it, but I can do it. I'm going to keep thinking about this quote and how I can apply it to me.

OK, so don't worry...I've just got to sort all of this out.

Darwin and Bueller

2009-02-12T21:04:00.008-05:00

Not only is today Abraham Lincoln’s birthday, it is also the 200th birthday of Charles Darwin. There’s more interesting information about his life including and beyond the evolution theory today at one of my favorite Twitter follows www.twitter.com/capitalweather.

Separately, I received today my daily quote in my inbox from Charles Darwin. To clarify, the email was from the Sierra Club, the quote from Charles Darwin. :) It is:

It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.

This is an interesting quote, isn’t it? OK, get out of your “Let’s debate evolution vs. creation” mind set. I’m thinking about life here.

I’m not big on change. Having thyroid cancer has been a big change for me. I overheard my husband talking on the phone this week with someone who had obviously asked how the doctor’s appointment with Dr. Pun went. He responded, “Look, having cancer isn’t like breaking your arm or having food poisoning where you treat it, and it’s done. You have to see doctors the rest of your life for this.”

Now granted, I hope to be in the position that the “rest of your life” follow up bit is farther and farther between visits. But he’s right. Not only has it changed my life superficially with the lovely five-inch neck scar but also in the way I live my life, the way our family lives our collective lives.

It’s good to be strong. It’s good to be intelligent. I hope that I am a reasonable blend of both. I strive to be more adaptable to change moving forward, with or without cancer. Preferably without.

What does Ferris Bueller say? Haven’t I quoted him before? Geez…anyway:

“Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

Dr. Pun Replaces The Doctor That I Don’t Like

2009-02-11T22:07:00.001-05:00

I had my much anticipated appointment yesterday with the new endocrinologist. For those of you who are new here, an endocrinologist is the doctor who “quarterbacks” the treatment for thyroid cancer patients, much like an oncologist does for other types of cancer.

It went well! He listened! He gave details! After listening, he had a plan! He told bad punny jokes! All of this made me very happy. OK, maybe not the bad jokes, but at least it was entertaining.

I will have a series of follow up tests mid-March including a whole body scan, PET scan, ultrasound, and chest x-ray as well as the usual blood work. All of this is in an effort to make sure we stay on top of what is currently going on and any recurrence that might happen.

I feel like a load has been lifted from my shoulders. It is bad enough to have cancer…and then have more cancer…and then to not be able to trust or even like your doctor? That is the situation I have been in for the last six months. Not going to dwell on the past, just move forward...with Dr. Pun. :)

Three generations

2009-02-05T22:19:00.004-05:00

This photo was taken of me, Mackenzie, Morgan, and my Mom the day she was leaving to back to Oklahoma after my second thyroid cancer surgery in January 2009. I love it...had to share!

What does World Cancer Day mean to you?

2009-02-04T19:53:00.001-05:00

World Cancer Day is today, February 4th. What does it mean to you?

Last year, I worked for a childhood cancer organization, and it was about increasing awareness for an amazing group of cancer patients and survivors. This year, it is more reflective for me as my journey with thyroid cancer began with my diagnosis in July 2008. It’s been a challenging and revealing time, learning about cancer and myself.

I’m reminded of those who continue the battle against cancer, those who are having chemo or radiation treatments even today. There are those who are having surgery to remove their cancer today. And even those who are walking into the doctor’s office today and hearing for the first time those words “you have cancer.”

My aunt is a two-time breast cancer survivor and has helped me on my own journey with cancer. She is an amazing woman, raising her grandson and working on her retirement home. I think of her and the other wonderful survivors that I know who are not feeling sorry for themselves but are moving forward, living life!

I am also reminded of those we have lost to cancer, young and old. One lost to cancer is one too many.

Even though it is late in the day, please add to Facebook, Twitter, your blog, or whatever social media that you use that today is World Cancer Day and let others remember those with cancer and also consider what they can do. Whether it is call a friend who is struggling with their diagnosis or organizing a fundraising event, we can all do something.

Out of sight, out of mind and a new endo

2009-02-01T07:35:00.004-05:00

I believe that I have thought about cancer every single day since I was diagnosed since July 2008. Cancer survivors, is that strange? Does it stop at some point? Right now, I can't imagine a day without at least thinking about cancer or or thinking about being a cancer survivor.

Some of that may have to do with the "out of sight, out of mind" theory. Every morning I wake up and look at that scar on my neck. It's a celebration of life and a cancer reminder all rolled into one. In some regards, it will never be out of sight so I wonder if it will be "out of mind" ever.

I've mentioned the shooting pains in my neck before and how the surgeon says this is a good thing. The nerves are coming back to life. Yesterday, I had shooting pain like no other I can remember, even dating back to next summer. It felt like a stab and then twist and then hold it for what felt like an hour but turned out to be about 10 seconds. It brought me to near tears as Kenzie and I were on our way to Target. Luckily she was driving when this happened. It's a good thing, it's a good thing.

My energy level has bottomed out this weekend. At least I am optimistic it is on the way up. I'm hoping not to do much of anything and rest today.

Ah, and the great news: I have an appointment with a new endocrinologist! I called the one my surgeon recommended, and his office said that I could see him in July. July?! Nope, that won't work. I called my surgeon's office and asked if maybe they could call and get me an appointment, and I was able to get in on February 10th. I'm very pleased about this and will try not to cancel my appointment with "the doctor I don't like" with too much glee. :)

The big reveal and catching up....

2009-01-28T21:42:00.006-05:00

Wow, has it been almost a week since I blogged? It's been a busy, hectic six days, but I'm makin' it...some days barely, but making it.

Let's see...oh, my post-op appointment on Friday. The "big reveal" went well. Dr. Sanders ripped (or at least it felt like he ripped....) my bandage off then he, his PA, and my mom gathered in a semi-circle about a foot from my neck and said things like, "wow, it looks good" and "it's healing nicely." I have to agree, it looks better than it did last summer...or does it?

I think the shock factor was gone this time around. I am now used to looking in the mirror and seeing the five-inch incision/scar so really, it just looked the same, just more pink and swollen. I have the semi-frequent stabbing pains throughout the day and night telling me that my nerves are slowly but surely coming back. Dr. Sanders says this is good. My neck is generally just sore, tender, and tingly, um, let's say all day every day, BUT I am alive. And cancer free. Again.

My energy is definitely lagging behind, which I'm a little disappointed about. Wait a minute, I just had surgery on my neck 13 days ago to remove cancerous lymph nodes...it's OK that I'm tired, right? I'm fairly sure that starting a new job on Monday has contributed to my fatigue as well. I can make it through the day then....I'm done, kaput, over and out.

That new job is going great, by the way. Love the new job, new supervisor, new organization. And....I have an office with (ta da!) a window overlooking 18th Street NW in DC! I'm still thinking I made the right decision to take this job. I listened to my gut, that it was going to be OK to switch jobs while dealing with this recurrence, and I seemed to have made a good choice.

I know it is winter and January but really, the ice has got to go. The snow, it's pretty and then melts. However, the ice? I felt like a mountain explorer in my snow boots this morning climbing down our steep front yard while avoiding our driveway that was a solid sheet of ice. It's almost making me laugh out loud now, that mental picture in my head of me scaling the front yard this morning, trying to get to work. Kids were out of school today and on a two-hour delay tomorrow.

Thyroid cancer – round 2, feeling “fine”

2009-01-22T15:18:00.003-05:00

It’s been an interesting week of cancer recovery that has included inauguration of a new President and quitting my job. I feel better, but please don’t mistake that to think everything is “fine.” Well, it is as fine as it can be having cancer surgery twice in seven months. I’m alive, feel exhausted, my neck is very sore…OK, I’m fine.

This is when the emotional stuff came in last time, when I started feeling “fine.” Not so much the “why me?” but “what’s next?” As much as I try to take off my worry hat, it is firmly affixed to my head. I’ve had the recurrence now less than a year later. Will I have a recurrence to the recurrence next? When will the stabbing pains stop in my neck (It’s a good thing, it’s a good thing…)? When do I settle in with the "cancer survivor" title again? Am I question talker? Sorry, a Scrubs reference, but I digress...

My post-op appointment is tomorrow morning. I look forward to seeing what the surgeon has to say about my incision. He will uncover it for the first time then. It is swollen and sore, but I have not had a look at it since he opened it back up again a week ago. One thing is for sure: it just can’t be as surprising as it was last summer when I saw it for the first time. I really couldn’t believe my eyes, how shocking it was to me.

About quitting my job…I start a new job as Website Content Manager at a veterans’ organization on Monday. I know it seems crazy to start a new job when tackling cancer yet again, but it was time. I just did it and am looking forward to the new position. It will be the first time I am not working in a hospital or cancer organization in about seven years. I think it is time for this change for me.

However, I will certainly continue to be an advocate for those with cancer. Through posts on the Stupid Cancer Blog to involvements in other groups, I will be involved in the cancer community, just not primarily through my work now but through me, a cancer survivor.

Yes, I'm blogging at 1:30 AM

2009-01-19T01:32:00.003-05:00

I'm really up at 1:30 AM blogging. I can't sleep either because of the stabbing pain on the right side of my neck four days post-op of my second thyroid cancer surgery or because my mind is racing because of all of the things I'm thinking about such as (in no particular order):

why do I have this stabbing pain in my neck tonight?
why do I have to go through this cancer business not once but twice now?
why can't I go to sleep?
why didn't we see on ultrasound the other two lymph nodes that were positive for cancer that were found by my surgeon (we saw one but not three)? Are there more?
am I going to have to do this again?
why am I complaining about my cancer when there are others out there struggling more with their cancer?
when should I jump ship from "the doctor that I don't like?"

OK, that's all of the questions (and whining) I have for now. Discuss amongst yourselves. Feel free to comment as you would like.

I'm off to go watch some bad TV and hope to drift off to sleep.

I'm home

2009-01-17T22:22:00.003-05:00

Just a quick report....I'm back home from the hospital. Surgery went well. Surgeon was able to find what he was looking for, which turned out to be a cancerous lymph node sitting in the thyroid bed. Plus, he took two other lymph nodes that were also positive for cancer.

The surgeon had to use the full five inches of my scar, but he got it....the cancer, that is. I'm not as foggy from the anesthesia as I was with the first surgery back in July 2008 but still feel a bit like a truck hit me, just maybe a smaller truck this time. I'm really sore where the incision is but overall am doing OK.

Thanks to everyone for your good thoughts and prayers. More later....

Off to Surgery

2009-01-15T06:58:00.002-05:00

I am up and at it this morning, getting ready to go to the hospital. Surgery is at 10:15 AM this morning. Of course, I've got to be there earlier, at 8:45.

The best part is I know what to expect. The worst part is I know what to expect. I know it is a supposedly a smaller procedure. I know that it is only a "little bit" of cancer this time. Regardless....I'm not happy about it but am doing OK this morning. I don't want to have surgery but know I need to do it. It's the best decision for me today.

Many thanks to those of you who have shown me support! I'm off now...to get this cancer out of my body.

Two days and counting

2009-01-13T07:22:00.004-05:00

Two days until my surgery on Thursday. I'm looking forward to it (strange, I know...) just to get it over with. As I told my Mom yesterday, it is good to know what to expect this time and then also not good. Unfortunately, I know the drill now with this cancer business and surgery but didn't have a good hospital experience last time as we thought it would be one overnight and ended up being three nights in the hospital. I know, simpler procedure, smaller cancer, blah, blah, blah....but that's my last lingering memory.

A bit of good news: I was officially added as a contributor to the Stupid Cancer Blog. I am thrilled about this! Instead of being hovered over while blogging (has happened in the past), I get to do the exact opposite: be irreverent and creative while talking about cancer-related issues. Yes! Thanks to Matthew Zachary at the Stupid Cancer Blog for the opportunity.

Moving upward and onward to have a good Tuesday...you too, OK?

Football and surgery updates

2009-01-09T07:30:00.003-05:00

Happy Friday to all! And now for a brief news update...

I did end up sort of rooting for the Sooners last night, to no avail. Florida victory it was...24-14. Gotta love that Floriday quarterback, Tim Tebow. Great attitude, lots of guts and athletic ability.

Poor Sooners...bleh. Whatever. They will probably be in five more national championship games before the Cowboys even might possibly get one shot.

And on the home front: My surgery is scheduled for next Thursday, January 15th. Not the day I had hoped for as I wanted early next week, but oh well. It's on the books, and I'm ready to do it.

Something other than cancer....please!

2009-01-08T19:07:00.008-05:00

I just realized that I have blogged five straight times about cancer. Bleh. Now, I understand that I have had a new turn of event lately with this thyroid cancer recurrence but I'm tired of it. Instead, I will share my funny dilemma.

I graduated from Oklahoma State University...Go Cowboys! To those of you outside of Oklahoma, we are the "other" university. Not the Sooners, not OU, not in Norman. Orange and black, state school one hour north of Oklahoma City in Stillwater is where you will find OSU. Yes, the school where T. Boone Pickens donated all that money.

OSU plays OU regularly in sports as both are in the same conference, the Big 12. OU is OSU's big rival, but the feeling is not really mutual. Texas is OU's rival, but that's another story.

Tonight is the BCS National Championship football game. Oklahoma plays Florida for the national championship. Who to root for? My dear friend Julie and cousin Holly are both graduates of OU. In fact, Julie is at the game, or at least preparing to be there, as we speak! Then there is the fact that we actually lived in the land of Big Red for two years, and my parents still live there. It was lonely being a Cowboy fan in Norman.

But remember two paragraphs ago that OU and OSU are rivals?

Not sure that I can bring myself to root for the Sooners. I do feel bad they have lost four straight BCS bowl games (or do I?). There's the whole conference pride thing...I rooted for Texas against Ohio State, right? But.....root for the Sooners. I won't root against them but.....

I think I'll chicken out and say, "I just hope it's a great game!"

Julie and Holly, that Sooner Schooner photo above is for you!

Can you spell cancer? The doctor that I don't like can

2009-01-07T21:16:00.005-05:00

Just an update that my treatment decision is surgery. I decided that with Chris and Dr. Sanders today. No date yet, but we requested the surgery date to be in the next 5-7 days. Will post here as soon as I know.

I have some great stories of doctors, nurses, friends, and family giving me input on my decision that I will share at some point, but I just don't feel like it tonight. It has all caught up with me, and I am fighting the urge to crawl in bed and just....sleep maybe? Or possibly eat a large amount of ice cream. One of the two, possibly both, will happen soon. Maybe I shouldn't fight it....

There are great stories like the "doctor that I don't like" spelling out the word cancer to me on the phone today and saying things like "Why would you want to walk around with cancer in your body? If it is big enough to find on biopsy, you need to get it out." But those stories are for another day...too big of a day for me.

Thanks again for the prayers, good thoughts, calls, emails, comments on the blog, etc. The encouragement from all really helps!

Good news and bad news...biopsy update

2009-01-05T17:54:00.003-05:00

Here's the deal on the biopsy done this morning: good news is the lymph node was negative for cancer. Bad news: thyroid bed nodule is positive for thyroid cancer.

More good news: Chris and I were able to get into to see Dr. Sanders today. He is the surgeon who operated on me in July 2008. He worked us into his busy schedule on short notice, for which I am grateful.

Last summer, the thyroid cancer decisions were more simple. "You have cancer. It needs to come out." This time, it is a little more complicated. Explaining the options just took me 30 minutes to explain to my dad but here is the deal in a nutshell:

1. take it out now with risks
2. wait six months and see if it grows with risks
3. external beam radiation with risks

I go back to see Dr. Sanders on Wednesday and plan to make a decision by then.

I'm doing OK with it. Aggravated, disappointed, but, as I have said before, I kinda knew.

Thanks to all for your continued prayers and good thoughts...I've got a big decision to make.

Pre-biopsy nesting

2009-01-02T22:39:00.008-05:00

I have found myself in a cleaning frenzy lately. My house is not filthy, folks, so maybe it is not cleaning but more decluttering. Today I gave away nine bags of stuff to one of the local charities that sends me emails and says nice things like, "Do you want us to come to your house and take away all of that crap that your family doesn't use anymore but you don't want to throw away?" I say things like, "Why, yes I do!"

So the past few days I have mainly worked on my desk area, the basement, our game cabinet, and my closet and managed to find nine bags worth of stuff to give away. I even cleverly convinced youngest daughter tonight to take a small portion of her thousands of stuffed animals (OK, a bit of a high estimate...) and put them in a large clear bin for safe keeping.

Yes, this all has needed to be done for months, but I have realized what all of this cleaning and decluttering is all about...my biopsy is Monday. When I am worried, I clean. As much as I tell myself, "Oh, I know the drill, know how this is going to go," or my other favorite, "I am planning on it being cancer and will be pleasantly surprised if it is not," I am pretty overwhelmed with the fact that I might have to do surgery and treatment again. I just finished cancer crap once and now again?!

Today is Friday. Biopsy is Monday. Do I want to hurry up and get it over with? Or would I rather freeze time and "enjoy" this last bit of time before I start it again? Doesn't matter...can't do either one.

What do I know this time around?

I can do this. I've done it once before.
If I need surgery, Dr. Sanders is one of my favorite doctors ever.
There is a really supportive community of friends and family out there praying, checking on me, reading my blog, following me on Twitter, and just generally being great.

Yes, I can do this.

Quick sidebar: I am happy to report that the girls have returned safe and sound from Oklahoma. About twice a year, they venture to Oklahoma to see grandparents. Two of three sets of grandparents live there, mine in Norman and ex-husbands' in Guymon. This time, they flew in/out of Amarillo to visit their Guymon grandparents and had a great time.

The Stupid Cancer Blog and Out the Door with 2008

2008-12-31T19:11:00.006-05:00

There has been a nice diversion from thinking about my biopsy scheduled on Monday. I was in contact with Matthew Zachary from the amazing website I'm Too Young For This and The Stupid Cancer Blog earlier this week. His website and blog are amazingly wonderful, irreverent vehicles for the young adult cancer fighters and survivors. I love the whole concept….you don’t have to tip toe around cancer. Meet it square on and kick it in the butt!

~~WARNING: Shameless self-promotion ahead~~

Anyway, Matthew and I emailed about me contributing a blog post, and I am thrilled to say that it was posted to The Stupid Cancer blog yesterday. Here’s the link:
http://imtooyoungforthis.blogspot.com/2008/12/will-you-come-into-my-parlor-said.html

I really love the whole blogging and social media arena and am thrilled to have mixed that together with the cancer world. Cancer is like a fraternity/sorority except you really don’t really want to belong to it. However, once you do, it’s a whole new community ready to embrace you and your cancer battles.

So it is out the door with 2008, and to it I say…good riddance! It started out great with my 10th/40th birthday (I am a leap year baby…). It had its ups and down, including the thyroid cancer diagnosis in July, but overall, hey, I’m ready for a new start, a new day, a new year.

To those of you who have followed my blog, my cancer journey, our family, and frankly even those I who I have no idea who you are, I say best wishes for 2009! Let’s move forward, get on with life and doing what we REALLY want to do.

Biopsy scheduled - January 5th

2008-12-29T08:49:00.005-05:00

My biopsy is scheduled one week from today. Surprisingly, especially after the "we'll call you in 5-7 days" talk, the office called Christmas Eve to schedule it. I will do this thing on Monday, January 5th at 9:15 AM.

Every day that it gets closer, I get the "ready for it" and "are you kidding me?" feelings at the same time. Seems familiar from this summer. Alot is riding on this biopsy for me as you can imagine, and my gut tells me to just get ready as it doesn't look good. However, as I have blogged about before, I know the deal, know the doctors involved, etc. Those of you who know me, know that is good. It's helps me to have as much information as possible, as it does most of us. If it is good news, I will be pleasantly surprised.

I'm not feeling well at all today. My "cancer cough," as I affectionately (NOT!) called it back in August-September, is back. I honestly think it is just a "cold cough" but the last time I had it, it was associated with the surgery back this summer. In addition to the cancer cough, I have a head/chest full of crap, and, in general, just feel gross. Oh, and this is my first day back working....fun when you feel like I do! I will survive...handled some cancer this year, surely I can handle a cold.

Great quote from my Facebook page from dear cousin Holly:

Hope you guys had a good Christmas. Ours pretty much sucked :) but I feel like it was a "growth opportunity." I thought about you as I was having a nervous breakdown and was like, "Holly, get yourself together! Charlcie has cancer and she's not having a nervous breakdown!"

Although I have not officially had a nervous breakdown, there have been some dark days, Holly! Move forward each day, move forward. Today's not a great day, but I will survive (cue Gloria Gaynor music....gotta check out the great roller skater in sparkly red pants in the video).

16 years old today!

2008-12-28T10:41:00.004-05:00

Today is the day...eldest daughter is finally 16 years old! When my kids have a birthday, I find myself reflective of the day they were born, and this year is no exception.

She surprised us on the day she was born in two ways: ultrasound at eight months had predicted a boy, and she had a full head of red/borderline orange hair! She has kept that red hair to this day, and now it is a beautiful color. The great thing: she loved to smile as a baby and still does today.

She is a great kid, and I am very proud of her!

Post-Christmas, Pre-16-year-old birthdays

2008-12-27T10:23:00.003-05:00

I hope everyone had a great holiday week! We had quite a Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, enjoying it all. In follow up to my Christmas Eve post, I have to share about the National Cathedral service. It was really moving, really wonderful. It was grand and elegant yet warm and comfortable all at the same time. It was a great moment of reflection. I am grateful to my MIL who secured the tickets months in advance for us all!

Last night we celebrated the two almost 16-year-olds' birthdays by taking the family plus a few friends to the local Japanese steakhouse. We had a great chef in both food and entertainment not to mention the great company.

I promised in a previous post to explain the two 16-year-old kids who are not twins....I brought Kenzie (and 11-year-old Morgan) to the marriage, and her birthday is December 28th. Chris brought Christian, and his birthday is January 1st. It was quite funny when we realized this while dating, that we both had a child of the same age, only four days apart!

I put Kenzie and Morgan on a plane to see their paternal grandparents this morning. They will be gone until December 2nd. Christian leaves later today to return to Indiana. Often prior to them leaving, we talk about how it will be a nice break while all of the kids are gone not to run people here and there when really, we just miss them when they are gone. :)

Happy Merry Christmas Eve!

2008-12-24T09:01:00.008-05:00

Hi all...Happy Merry Christmas Eve! Hope everyone is feeling the spirit of Christmas. I am...stressing just a bit about hosting Christmas Eve dinner but feeling better about it all. Need to get the ski stuff out of the front living room, boxes out of the dining room, ask in-laws to bring another table as we are expecting 11, vaccum, oh and cook. :)

Some of you have asked about my doctor's appointment yesterday. First, thanks for checking on me. :) It was somewhat uneventful as "the doctor I don't like" said, "Yes, you need a biopsy," which I already knew from the radiologist. I was anticipating a fight as somehow I thought he was going to say something like "Let's watch and wait with this." Not sure why I thought that, but that wasn't what he said at all.

He gave me an order for the fine needle aspiration (FNA) biopsy. This is a needle without anesthesia to my thyroid (did this first in July 2008...old pro at it now) and then that questionable lymph node. I have Fairfax Radiology on speed dial on my cell phone (sad, isn't it?) and called them from the Explorer right away. They said the procedure is to leave my information and someone would call me with biopsy date/time options in 5-7 days. 5-7 days?! Then I remembered this particular experience from the summer...same line about five days (seven added this time for the holidays, she explained) then they called the next day in the summer. My prediction is Monday for the call.

He also said if the biopsy came back positive for papillary carcinoma (the same diagnosis as this summer) that I would need to visit my surgeon (favorite cancer doctor ever!) and have these removed. Good to know and not as scary as the first time I heard this.

So...I'm going to focus on Christmas and not cancer the next two days, or at least that is my plan. After that, I deal with kids leaving for Indiana and Oklahoma respectively on the 27th. Then think about oldest children turning 16 within four days of each other. I'll let you discuss that topic of two 16 year olds within four days amongst yourselves if you are unfamiliar with our family set up. I will explain in a later post. :)

Great experience tonight post dinner...mother-in-law months ago got us all tickets to the Christmas Eve service at the National Cathedral. I'm really looking forward to it!

Merry Christmas!

Not festive...yet

2008-12-23T07:45:00.003-05:00

Feeling guilty that I'm not feeling more grateful and in the Christmas spirit today like I was on Friday. Feeling more like "I have/had cancer (whatever this in-between state I am in is called...) and don't feel like being festive!". I'd rather go back to bed but have kids to get off to school (their last day before winter break), presents to wrap, food to shop for, etc. Just not feelin' it.

Any of you, cancer or not, just not feelin' it? I'm hoping to have a big turn around sometime today or surely on Christmas Eve. It feel selfish and guilty to feel this way, but I'm allowed some of this right? As long as I can get out of this funk before Christmas....

"Doctor that I don't like," his office called yesterday, and he wants me to go to his office to talk about the ultrasound. Going to do that late morning today.

The Weekend Before Christmas

2008-12-22T07:37:00.008-05:00

What a great weekend we had! Christian finally landed on Friday night after four delays and about eight hours in the Indianapolis airport. We are glad that he is here....great to see him! He's here until the 27th.

On Saturday we went to Chris/Morgan's basketball game, which was their first win of the season. After a quick Chinese buffet lunch, we then realized that we had to evaluate ski gear for five people. After checking our own ski box, begging, borrowing, and a trip to the local sporting goods store, we figured out snow pants, coats, gloves, etc. for five people without breaking the bank four days before Christmas. This was good!

The next issue was who was going, who was not. Between our two vehicles, we have 12 seats, and both of us planned to drive. As a result, we let the kids invite friends. Morgan invited one friend then the rest were Christian and Kenzie's friends. They were all great kids, and we had an amazing time! Liberty was good...not crowded at all, and I was surprised by this. It was really only about 1.5 hours from here in Pennsylvania.

Back to reality today...the girls have school today and tomorrow. There's AGAIN a stack of boxes at the front door to wrap. Post-skiing returns to friends we borrowed gear from. But looking forward to a good week, including hoping to get that biopsy scheduled.

No news yet...and thankful

2008-12-19T20:19:00.005-05:00

It's been an interesting 48 hours digesting this new ultrasound/biopsy news. I've gone from really sad to mad to, well, this is just the way it is now for me. Not really resigned to it but knowing this is what I have to do again to get rid of cancer...again. I'll do it, and I'll win...again. That competitiveness that I've passed on to Mackenzie and Morgan does have it's place in times like this!

No news about the biopsy as it isn't even scheduled yet. "The doctor that I don't like" is out of the office until Monday morning. My family practice doc's office called today as they had the results and wanted to know if I knew and what the status was of the biopsy. Ah yes, this is how a doctor's office should be, caring about the patient and following up. My FP doc is the one who originally found the nodules on my thyroid on the routine exam in May.

Enough complaining....here are some things I am thankful for. Not a complete list by any means but more random thoughts:

I am grateful that my almost-sixteen-year-old daughter still wants to eat dinner with me at IHOP and order funny face pancakes (see photo above)
I am grateful for doctors that I DO like and their caring, positive attitude
I am grateful for all of the amazing well wishes and prayer offers on my blog and Facebook page. Three friends posted on their blogs/CaringBridge pages about my ultrasound situation this week, and I've had a flood of support on the blog and Facebook. THANKS TO ALL!
I am grateful that my stepson Christian will be arriving tonight provided the Indianapolis weather will cooperate and his plane leaves. Currently, his plane is 2.5 hours late and still sitting there.
I am grateful for my Mom spending three weeks here this summer before, during, and after the surgery. Somehow she took care of me, fed us all, was chauffeur for soccer player and cheerleaders, and worked remotely. She's Superwoman!
I am grateful for a husband who makes me laugh, keeps me grounded, and is an all around amazing person.

OK, off to wrap some presents....

More about batting a thousand...

2008-12-18T07:16:00.003-05:00

Ah, I didn't really explain the "batting a thousand" reference in relationship to me when posting on the blog last night. Was still in a bit of a fog from the news I received from the ultrasound. A bit of history...

Batting a thousand:
1. June 2008: ultrasound reveals suspicious nodules that should be biopsied.
2. July 2008: after biopsy confirms papillary carcinoma, neck ultrasound to look at lymph nodes finds suspicious lymph nodes. Post-surgery found out about the four positive lymph nodes, two of which were the size of small plums.
3. December 2008: Ultrasound post total thyroidectomy and neck dissection, small nodules found in the thyroid bed along with a suspicious lymph node.

So in summary, every ultrasound I have had of my thyroid and neck this year has revealed something suspicious. Thus, I am batting 1,000 with the ultrasounds in 2008.

Feeling rather bleh and crappy about it all today. It's Christmas...why do I have to deal with cancer again? Ugh.

Batting a thousand/3 for 3

2008-12-17T21:43:00.005-05:00

So....not good news from the ultrasound today. There are some nodules on the right side of my "thyroid bed" that the radiologist recommends for biopsy. There should be nothing in the thryoid bed at all since they removed my thyroid, but instead, I have nodules. I also have a cystic, "juicy" lymph node on the right side of my neck that needs to be biopsied as well.

The radiologist, not the tech, did the complete ultrasound scan, ear to ear, top to bottom of my neck. He was very thorough . He said he would be contacting "the doctor I don't like" to let him know that he recommends biopsy for these two areas.

I am relieved in a way because now I know there IS something going on. I had a feeling, just going with my gut, that there was still something there. And it is different this time around. I know the drill, have had the surgery and the radioactive iodine treatment before. Although it won't be exactly the same, I at least have some frame of reference.

By the way, this isn't a recurrence or an error on anyone's part that they didn't get it all the first time. Thyroid cancer and the lymph nodes are tricky, and it is not uncommon for thyroid cancer patients to repeat the radioactive treatment or have surgery again from what I have read. Not optimal or desired but also not too unusual.

I was very upset this morning, the reality of it, and now I am more aggravated and/or mad. Not at anyone or God, just that it is still something that I need to actively deal with. I feel like I am just now feeling better and healing from surgery, and the thought of starting over again is crazy to me.

So the next step is a biopsy. I'll keep everyone posted, but please continue to think good thoughts and send prayers when you can. Much appreciated.

Not sure about "batting a thousand"? A baseball reference...here's a batting average calculator. :)

Christmas cards, life moving fast, and ultrasounds

2008-12-16T07:20:00.005-05:00

I started working on Christmas cards last night...finally found some that I like at Rite-Aid of all places. I really enjoy going through the address book, being reminded of literally all friends and family.

We are getting to a place where we have more "our" friends now. We still have "your" friends and "my" friends from our separate lives prior to four+ years ago, which is absolutely fine, but it is great that we have more and more of "our" friends.

We talked last night about how much things have changed in a year from kids getting older to Christian going back to Indiana to Morgan changing soccer teams to my cancer diagnosis to the presidential election and more. All of these are/were big in our world. What's that Ferris Bueller quote about life moving fast? That seems to be us...

Tomorrow morning is my thyroid/neck ultrasound. I'm a little anxious but ready to do it. The location, on Arlington Blvd. (this radiology group has offices all over N. Virginia, and I feel like I've been to all of them...), brings back not-so-good memories. It is the location where I found out that there were some "concerns" in my neck that turned out to be positive (cancerous) lymph nodes, two of which were huge - the size of small plums! That day, it was too much, and I just had a little melt down. Luckily, my mother-in-law was with me, and I went back to her house and finished my meltdown and then slept.

You know what? It's OK to have those meltdowns...you are allowed, especially when you have cancer. It's not fun dealing with cancer, no matter what kind of cancer you have. I've allowed myself that now...

I'm going to go get in the shower now and try to get on with my day without thinking about that ultrasound tomorrow...or maybe I will think about it in a good way. Maybe it brings good news and not news of more cancer.

Radioactive again?

2008-12-14T19:59:00.004-05:00

Update on the Friday visit to the "doctor I don't like": He said the neck pain is not associated anything thyroid cancer related. I feel like he dismissed me on this so I'm not sure that I believe him. It isn't just a sore neck muscle or clinching my jaws. It's lymph nodes on both sides.

The other side of the coin is this: Am I making something out of nothing? Hard to say. However, I am having an ultrasound on Wednesday morning in follow up to my elevated thyroglobulin level indicating remaining thyroid tissue. He said that scan would also include my neck and they would take a look at those painful areas so...hopefully that will be cleared up with the scan.

Doctor also said that I might need to do another round of radioactive treatment if the scan showed a significant enough amount of thyroid tissue...GREAT! Those of you who followed me earlier this fall know how much i loved that...NOT. The treatment itself was absolutely fine for me. Swallow the pill, wait until the radioactive team says you are safe to go out into the world, that's it. I am fortunate....that was my experience. Others have a more difficult time with the RAI. However, the low iodine diet prior to the treatment was rough for me. The lack of variety and special cooking was challenging. I survived and will survive again...doesn't mean I will like it.

One day at a time

2008-12-13T18:54:00.004-05:00

I ran across the following quote this week:

The best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time.
-- Abraham Lincoln

No matter how overwhelmed we get about our health, the holidays, work, family situations, etc., we can only take it one day at a time, no matter what.

So....breathe (talking to myself here as much as you), think about your one day, today, and make the best of it.

Nutmeg Warning...who knew?

2008-12-12T18:23:00.005-05:00

Hey, check out this warning about nutmeg. This blogger's post is on the BlogHer site: http://doesabodygood.blogspot.com/2008/12/im-laughing-but-its-not-funny-nutmeg.html.

It's crazy! Who knew this about nutmeg? Anyone? I sure didn't...

Christmas card update...and it continues to rain, not snow

2008-12-12T07:24:00.004-05:00

We were all disappointed to see no snow when we woke up this morning. It's not cold enough. However, it continues to rain, and I was inspired by The Soup's Rubber Boots post to get out my own wonderful pink rain boots (See photo. Thanks photographer Morgan!). Now I will hardly take them off...so comfortable and keeping my feet dry!

Anyway, I had to also mention in follow up to yesterday's post that did receive two more Christmas cards in the mail yesterday bringing the grand total to three! Speaking of Christmas cards, gotta get ours out the door...yet another "to do" for the weekend.

Appointment with "doctor that I don't like" is today. Getting the usual blood draw and also an order for the ultrasound. Neck still hurts this morning, for two weeks now.

Isn't it amazing as cancer patients we get so used to being poked and prodded? It all started with a needle straight to the thyroid with no anesthesia (fine needle aspiration or FNA to be official) back in July to do the biopsy. Since then, I have been poked at every six weeks for IVs, blood work, etc. I used to hate it. Now, it's just part of the deal, what I need to do to stay on top of this cancer business.

Is Christmas really in two weeks?

2008-12-11T06:40:00.018-05:00

Can anyone believe that Christmas is two weeks from today? Really, I find it hard to believe. In fact, just yesterday a friend of mine on Twitter (here's a plug...follow me on Twitter: http://twitter.com/charlcies) mentioned her family had only received one Christmas card...us too! As she asked, I will ask you: Did we miss the memo? Are folks not sending out Christmas cards? I LOVE to get Christmas cards, especially with the goofy family letter with the update on what everyone has been doing so...if I'm not on your Christmas card list, please add me! :)

And on another Christmas note, about two weeks ago, I was so ahead of the game with shopping. All of a sudden, I'm behind. Another factor for us: two of our three kids have birthdays within a week after Christmas! This has a harsh impact on the checking account, for sure. However, it's been that way for a while, two of the kids' birthdays a week after Christmas. It's just the way it is....we'll survive as we do every year.

As for my health today, I woke up again with the sore neck, borderline hurting, as I have for two weeks now. I see "the doctor that I don't like", otherwise known as my endocrinologist, tomorrow. He is supposed to give me my ultrasound order to check out what's going on with my blood work so I would think at the same time that the ultrasound could also check out the entire neck and possibly the source of this neck pain. I'm hoping for no more cancer as you can imagine....

Editor's note: In my shameless plugging of Twitter above, I forgot to plug my friend who asked the Christmas card question. She is the author of Soup is not a finger food...one of my favorite blogs. Check it out!

Sneaky thyroid cancer

2008-12-09T18:49:00.004-05:00

The cancer snuck up on me today at work...not fun. While looking at some childhood cancer photos today with colleagues, we found this particular photo of a teenage boy getting a treatment of some sort. I had this flashback to my hospital experience, thinking about how I hated that IV to the point that the last 24 hours or so I was in the hospital, I would not let the hospital staff use it at all. I thought about how I hated that drain in my neck and walking around with this drain full of crap in my hospital gown pocket. I thought about how all I wanted to do was to make this all go away.

I was overwhelmed with emotions...for him and, selfishly, for me. I felt myself getting emotional, closed my eyes, and wondered what was happening but then I knew.

There is a thyroid cancer support group meeting at the local hospital here this Saturday. I'm going to try to go if schedules allow. I'm curious and wonder what it would be like to be in a room with other thyroid cancer survivors. Sometimes I feel alone.