Charlcie

Did you know I am falling apart? Yes, I came to that conclusion this week. I can't sleep yet think about sleep alot, too much really, and wish I could sleep more. In fact, I might have to come back to writing this post a nap. My endocrinologist thinks I have sleep apnea issues, but that's another story. I have had one bloodshot eye for about 10 days. That's right, not both eyes but only one....and some weird flaky skin thing under my eye. And my shoulder and neck are sore constantly. Falling apart, I tell you. When did this happen? I very distinctly remember on my 40th birthday thinking about how I didn't "feel 40" (whatever that is...), felt good, felt young. Four months later, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, and everything seemed to change. Not kidding...everything, but most noticeably, physically I changed. I didn't feel as strong or invincible...still don't. I feel tired and old. Not Mema old (she's my 91-year-old grandma) but middle-aged ...

Settling into cancer survivorship is a piece of cake, right? Not so much. I have had some guilt, anger, and the feeling that I will never be the same again. Bear with me...I've got to get this out of my system. Guilt: I didn't have the kind of cancer (thyroid) that typically kills people although mine was a fairly complicated case (stage 3 with a recurrence). Plenty of great people have cancer with horrible prognoses and don't live very long. This was not me...I'm still here, thank goodness. It's the old "why me?" situation. On a lighter note, sometimes I am guilty that I really just want to sleep and do nothing most of the time if I had my choice...when not watching my kids sports, that is. Anger: Things have dramatically changed in my life since having thyroid cancer. It's more than a surgery, a treatment, a scar. It has changed the way I live my life and the way that it just "is." OK, and the scar is really annoying too and the looks I get...