Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Falling apart and getting old

Did you know I am falling apart? Yes, I came to that conclusion this week. I can't sleep yet think about sleep alot, too much really, and wish I could sleep more. In fact, I might have to come back to writing this post a nap. My endocrinologist thinks I have sleep apnea issues, but that's another story.

I have had one bloodshot eye for about 10 days. That's right, not both eyes but only one....and some weird flaky skin thing under my eye. And my shoulder and neck are sore constantly. Falling apart, I tell you.

When did this happen? I very distinctly remember on my 40th birthday thinking about how I didn't "feel 40" (whatever that is...), felt good, felt young. Four months later, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, and everything seemed to change. Not kidding...everything, but most noticeably, physically I changed. I didn't feel as strong or invincible...still don't. I feel tired and old. Not Mema old (she's my 91-year-old grandma) but middle-aged old.

And recently I have been amazed that Mackenzie is 18 and graduating from high school. When did that happen? Yes, I know, time marches on and they move from toddlers to elementary school to driving to college. Toddler parents, it happens about that fast, not even kidding. I understand how it happened to her, but how did it happen that I am the parent of an almost high school graduate?

What I have done with my life I have no regrets...it is what it is, and we are where we are today because of choices and circumstances and the hand that God had in it all. I just struggle with the big picture sometimes, of where I fit into it all.

Did I make a difference or did I just screw it all up? Am I making a difference now or treading water? Does it really matter if I did a good job running the soccer parent team meeting? Probably not. Does it matter that I thoroughly enjoy the travel to and from soccer practice and games because I get to talk with Morgan? Yes. Do I spend way too much money at Panera Bread? Yes, but that's a whole other post on how excited I am that Panera is opening a store in Vienna next month...but I digress.

Most times I think I have my priorities right then something comes along to shake that. That isn't a bad thing...we all need re-evaluation from time to time of our choices, of our stand in life.

Interesting through all of this falling apart and feeling old business is that I get more comfortable in my skin everyday, which sometimes makes others uncomfortable. You know, I'm OK with that.

6 comments:

  1. OK, too wierd. I got my thyroid cancer at 40, and I now have a flaky thing under my right eye. It actually started last summer and despite what I put on it, it wouldn't go away. A dermatologist said it was pre-cancerous tissue and needed to be cut out, just putting it off a little longer. Wasn't too excited to hear the C word again. Hope yours just turns out to be a wierd flaky thing.

    Yep, I'm falling apart, too...

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  2. Wow, Mindy...too weird! Those are some interesting parallels we have. I haven't gone to a dermatologist but have been thinking of doing so. Pre-cancerous tissue? I feel like you, not so excited to hear the C-word again! Mine was under just my left eye and now is also under my right. Fun.

    Hey, let me know if yours goes away and if so, what worked. Please know that I appreciate you reading my blog as well as your comments and support!

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  3. Dear Charlcie,

    It goes without saying I have no idea of what you are going through. I think it is amazing that for as long as I have known you, your medical condition has never been a topic of conversation or issue.

    I hope you can share with me your strength.

    Surely it applies otherwise.

    BTW, having a graduating senior is a significant emotional trigger. BTDT. If you are asking if you did things right it's kinda too late. Let's face it: to date you did everything right. It will work out. Makenzie is amazing and will find a place in this life for her talents.

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  4. You know, I really struggle with the meaning of it all myself--even with having faith in God, I just wonder what I'm doing here a lot of the time. Even things that feel like they should be really significant don't seem that way when I start to think about it. Hmmm, maybe I'm headed toward an early mid-life crisis myself! Let me know when you figure it out....Love you cousin.

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  5. Awesome post you got here.Looking forward to see more of your great works.

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    ReplyDelete