Skip to main content

Is this really it?

Settling into cancer survivorship is a piece of cake, right? Not so much. I have had some guilt, anger, and the feeling that I will never be the same again. Bear with me...I've got to get this out of my system.

Guilt: I didn't have the kind of cancer (thyroid) that typically kills people although mine was a fairly complicated case (stage 3 with a recurrence). Plenty of great people have cancer with horrible prognoses and don't live very long. This was not me...I'm still here, thank goodness. It's the old "why me?" situation. On a lighter note, sometimes I am guilty that I really just want to sleep and do nothing most of the time if I had my choice...when not watching my kids sports, that is.

Anger: Things have dramatically changed in my life since having thyroid cancer. It's more than a surgery, a treatment, a scar. It has changed the way I live my life and the way that it just "is." OK, and the scar is really annoying too and the looks I get from people checking it out.

Never be the same: This is somewhat tied to the anger. It's not about a scar or the time lost. I have changed. I look older and feel older...maybe that was coming anyway, but I didn't see it coming at all pre-cancer diagnosis. My need for rest and sleep is ridiculous. Having my thyroid removed was more than cancer: the thyroid regulates your metabolism (yes, weight gain) and fatigue. I am so affected by this even though I take my daily medication religiously. I'm even trying different combinations of vitamins.

I'm still working through this new normal. I can read and take in all that I want about survivorship and cancer, but no one can live my situation but me.

I have so many people, situations, things to be thankful for....I know. Feel free to lecture me about this now, completely understandable. Sometimes it's just hard to get away from how thyroid cancer has affected me. This is just the real stuff of cancer survivorship.

Comments

  1. JodyMarch 15, 2011 at 11:20 PM

    No lectures from this survivor. In fact, the transition to the "new normal" is one of the most difficult phases of survivorship.

    Cancer changes you, mentally, physically and spiritually. The good news is that the more you discuss these things with other survivors the more you'll find others in the same boat.

    Keep up the great work,
    Jody

    ReplyDelete
  2. CarrieMarch 15, 2011 at 11:23 PM

    I get it! From the parent of a survivor side at least. Survivor's guilt is very real. Why did we get lucky and others didn't? And then there are the daily reminders. Ian's scars, his mild learning issues and muscle weakness and other, mild, developmental delays. I thank God every day that I have him! Even the days where we go 'round and 'round and 'round - like today.

    ReplyDelete
  3. RickMarch 16, 2011 at 3:18 AM

    My survivorship isn't cancer, but three years of serious heart problems where I nearly surrendered. All I can tell you is it took six years to mentally move on, but I did and so will you. The new normal is not the same, but it can be great if you let it. The "why" part of surviving is never obvious - just let yourself enjoy it.

    ReplyDelete
  4. DebMarch 16, 2011 at 11:28 AM

    No lectures...your experience is just that, your experience. The cancer experience changes people. I can hear myself telling families that over and over but did I really understand it, probably not. I wish I had some magic to share but honestly, it is your journey, and you will navigate it, share it helping others along the way and be the best you can every day.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Meg McCormickMarch 19, 2011 at 8:19 AM

    I think what you're feeling is normal. And much of it sounds familiar to me. I still deal with some of those same emotions every time I look at Seth, and he's 5 years removed from his stroke. But, he has physical reminders that he'll carry with him for the rest of his life, and I don't know how he feels about that, but I hate that for him. And in the next breath, I will remind myself that it could've been so, so much worse and we in fact are quite fortunate, all things considered. Combine that roller coaster with the occasional flash of PTSD (like, every time he gets a headache) and - well, I understand. I do.

    ReplyDelete
  6. UnknownMarch 22, 2011 at 10:32 PM

    Thanks to all who commented on this post. You help me to realize that this is normal, it is my normal, and it is OK. Sometimes I think we get in our head about the way things should be...like a book or movie with a nice, happy ending. It doesn't end that way in life too often, but it doesn't mean it can't be OK, liveable, a new normal.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Sample resumeFebruary 8, 2012 at 1:22 AM

    This blog is great source of information which is very useful for me. Thank you very much.
    LEARN MORE ABOUT THYROID CANCER.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Quite a pay raise!

Today I received a press alert via email from my alma mater, Oklahoma State. Check out the first two paragraphs below: Following only the sixth nine-win regular season in school history, Oklahoma State University today announced a contract extension for head football coach Mike Gundy, giving him a new seven-year contract worth $15.7 million. The contract was announced following action by the OSU/A&M Board of Regents at its regular meeting in Miami. With the new contract, which is effective Jan. 1, 2009 and runs through December of 2015, Gundy’s average annual compensation will be more than $2.2 million. His current six-year contract paid him $1,053,000 this year. What the heck? That's quite a raise, and he didn't even beat OU, Texas, or Tech! Now, I went to OSU when Mike Gundy was the quarterback there. He was the quarterback during Barry Sanders' Heisman year. He seems like a nice guy and a great coach, but wow... In all fairness, I have to point out that I also read
2 comments
Read more

Changing the Focus

I will turn 50 this month. In honor of this milestone -- and just because I want to -- I am changing the focus of my blog. 10 years ago at the age of 40, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer -- papillary carcinoma. I started this blog after my first surgery as a means to communicate. I had lost my voice for about three weeks, and speaking was a challenge. Many well-meaning folks called in the days after my surgery to check on me. While it was fine that Chris and my mom provided updates, I missed being in contact with people. So I started writing. Along the way, I learned that I liked to write and also found other cancer patients and survivors along the way. I needed an outlet, and, unexpectedly, my blog provided some perspective for those newly diagnosed as well as those of us who must endure the various follow-up visits and the anxiety that accompanies them. My last cancer blog post was three years ago. Believe me, the anxiety is still there, but after two recurrences, I&
3 comments
Read more

On my soapbox about "the best cancer to have"

Those of you who follow me on Twitter know I was on my soapbox this morning after reading yet another article about the dreaded subject of how thyroid cancer is "the best cancer to have." Think about that...the best cancer? Why would someone say that? In an attempt to make you feel better about having thyroid cancer, some health care profesionals try to convince those of us who have or have had thyroid cancer that it is "the best cancer to have" because it has a high survival rate. An aside here, that high survival rate applies to papillary carcinoma, one of the three types of thyroid cancer out there. Survival rates are lower for medullary carcinoma and anaplastic carcinoma, the other two types of thyroid cancer. Back on topic...OK, so tell us that papillary carcinoma has a high survival rate. Truly, that is good news. But because of this "best cancer to have" statement, and the fact that I was told my thyroidectomy would most likely be just an easy, ove
13 comments
Read more