Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Dying...or losing 20 lbs.

I haven't blogged about "the cancer" in a while...suspiciously so. Many of you know I am a worrier of the highest degree. I come by it naturally. My Mema is the biggest worrier of all. My Mom tries to tell her that at 88 years old, she can quit worrying about so many things as I have taken on the majority of that worrying burden as well but she presses on with it as do I. But I digress..

Ah, "the cancer".....I'm in this weird stage of being done with treatment yet not really in the full swing of follow up other than the blood tests that "the doctor I don't like" has me doing every six weeks. I call him for results a week ago and he says, after I press him for my actual bloodwork numbers, "There is nothing you need to worry about. I'll tell you when you need to be worried."

Every morning that I wake up, the first thing I see in the mirror is the five-inch scar on my neck. Some days I feel lucky to be alive. Others, I can't believe I have that disgusting scar on my neck forever.

Some days, I am sure I have either had a recurrence and I don't know it, or it is "just around the corner." My neck has been sore for a week in a strange place, towards the top of my neck under my ear. I saw my GP on Monday, and she said that I am probably just grinding my teeth (a problem I've had in the past) and that I didn't have any evidence of an infection. She said that she could not rule out a cancerous lymph node but doubted it.

AH HA! See! It COULD be cancer....but probably not. But it could...but Dr. T said it is probably something else. But it might be a recurrence...or I could never have a recurrence.

I'm reminded of a blog post I wrote back in September about not worrying and not wasting my time with worry. It gets harder to do. I'm going to keep trying. It's all I can do.

Then there are the other days when I feel fully invigorated with life...The cancer survivorship is my second chance to do things right. I'm going to get healthy, run or walk everyday, and lose 20 lbs! I'm going to be organized, clean my house, throw out all of those things that I don't need anymore!

Maybe tomorrow I'll get started on all of that. Today, I just hope that I don't have cancer...again.

2 comments:

  1. Hang in there. You're in a really common spot for we survivors trying to figure out what to do now that we're done. Give yourself some time.

    As for your doctor, He sounds like a jackass. I get printed copies of my lab when I ask for it. When I was in treatment I got it every time in case something happened and I had to go to the hospital. If you want it, get it!!! Hell, you fought cancer, you can certainly handle this.

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  2. You're such a sweet person I know it's hard for you to slap people upside the face, but I see you growing in so many important ways -- you're getting there. No one can FEEL what you're feeling, but we all KNOW what you're feeling and we're here for you.

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