Skip to main content

Dying...or losing 20 lbs.

I haven't blogged about "the cancer" in a while...suspiciously so. Many of you know I am a worrier of the highest degree. I come by it naturally. My Mema is the biggest worrier of all. My Mom tries to tell her that at 88 years old, she can quit worrying about so many things as I have taken on the majority of that worrying burden as well but she presses on with it as do I. But I digress..

Ah, "the cancer".....I'm in this weird stage of being done with treatment yet not really in the full swing of follow up other than the blood tests that "the doctor I don't like" has me doing every six weeks. I call him for results a week ago and he says, after I press him for my actual bloodwork numbers, "There is nothing you need to worry about. I'll tell you when you need to be worried."

Every morning that I wake up, the first thing I see in the mirror is the five-inch scar on my neck. Some days I feel lucky to be alive. Others, I can't believe I have that disgusting scar on my neck forever.

Some days, I am sure I have either had a recurrence and I don't know it, or it is "just around the corner." My neck has been sore for a week in a strange place, towards the top of my neck under my ear. I saw my GP on Monday, and she said that I am probably just grinding my teeth (a problem I've had in the past) and that I didn't have any evidence of an infection. She said that she could not rule out a cancerous lymph node but doubted it.

AH HA! See! It COULD be cancer....but probably not. But it could...but Dr. T said it is probably something else. But it might be a recurrence...or I could never have a recurrence.

I'm reminded of a blog post I wrote back in September about not worrying and not wasting my time with worry. It gets harder to do. I'm going to keep trying. It's all I can do.

Then there are the other days when I feel fully invigorated with life...The cancer survivorship is my second chance to do things right. I'm going to get healthy, run or walk everyday, and lose 20 lbs! I'm going to be organized, clean my house, throw out all of those things that I don't need anymore!

Maybe tomorrow I'll get started on all of that. Today, I just hope that I don't have cancer...again.

Comments

  1. Hang in there. You're in a really common spot for we survivors trying to figure out what to do now that we're done. Give yourself some time.

    As for your doctor, He sounds like a jackass. I get printed copies of my lab when I ask for it. When I was in treatment I got it every time in case something happened and I had to go to the hospital. If you want it, get it!!! Hell, you fought cancer, you can certainly handle this.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You're such a sweet person I know it's hard for you to slap people upside the face, but I see you growing in so many important ways -- you're getting there. No one can FEEL what you're feeling, but we all KNOW what you're feeling and we're here for you.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Back to the Doctor...and 10 Things I Hate About Thyroid Cancer

OK, look at the last time I added a blog post....yes, January. Ridiculous. It's been too long since I've written, and I apologize for that. Time marches on, for the good or bad, and it has slipped away from me.

One item on my thyroid cancer timeline I see not documented in my blog: I did get more bloodwork done in April. It was good news: no change in the thyroglobulin. Just gotta keep on top of it and make sure that it doesn't get above 2.0.

I'm going to see Dr. W on Friday to check in, let him tell me it's time to get it and the TSH checked again. And...OK, here's the thing: I feel something/am having strange twinges on the left side of my neck. Everything has been on the right side to date so maybe......what is it? I will listen to my gut and let Dr. W tell me it's nothing rather than assuming that. Because even though I can say "oh, it's nothing," the thinking about it and worrying will drive me crazy.

Also, I discovered yesterday an amaz…

Letter to Dr. W

The latest and greatest (?) on the beast that is thyroid cancer, best expressed via the letter I sent to my new endocrinologist/thyroid cancer specialist:

No News is Good News

It's been over a year since I have posted here, and truly, no news is good news. I have had two rounds of blood tests with normal results. Plain old boring. I'm a fan of boring when it comes to thyroid cancer.

September is the next time I am to check in with Dr. W. What this means? An appointment for him to do a physical examination of my neck, and he will provide an order for blood tests. Dr. W has decided to "semi-retire," which apparently means he only sees patients two days a week now. I'm glad the "semi-" is attached to his retired status as I just found him two years ago, and he is the only endocrinologist with which I am comfortable. Of note, he only sees patients with thyroid cancer whereas "regular" endos see all sorts of patients, mainly those with thyroid diagnoses such as Hashimoto's or diabetes. For me, this has made a huge difference.

So that's the incredibly boring update. After thyroid cancer three times in four years.…